Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity
by RedClyde
Summary: The many insane and humorous adventures of the FFVII crew. If you like comedy and FFVII, please enter...
1. Episode 001: Beginning of Insanity

Disclaimer: I do not own FF7 or any concepts or ideas contained within it. All I own is this little fic (among others) and maybe some original characters (they have bad names, but endless possibilities :p).

Caution: Before reading this fic, ask yourself this, "Am I allergic to high levels of insanity, major OOC-ness, random character bashing for humor, original characters, crossover characters, Yaoi/Yuri(humorous, not serious), mild language, or humor?" If you answer yes to several of those, turn back now. I might have those things in this fic eventually, so if you don't like them might as well leave, ya know? But this is all for laughs, not to offend, so if you don't like it don't read it. ;)

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Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity

Episode #001

__

Beginning of Insanity

AVALANCHE watched on as the Lifestream rose up from the Planet and washed all over Meteor. For a minute it just swirled around it, then the Lifestream sunk into it and Meteor turned green.

Cloud: Wait, so the Lifestream failed? That was unexpected.

Barret: Well, it turned Meteor green. I guess it had some use.

Cid: That doesn't #$%@$ help us, does it?!

Cloud: Cid's right. We're screwed.

Yuffie: (sighs) DIE!!

Yuffie throws a small little green Materia at the green Meteor.

Cid: That ain't gonna do $#@%!

Then the Meteor suddenly disappears, but after a few moments a glowing green Materia floats to the Highwind.

Cid (shocked): Maybe it will...

Yuffie: Cool, Meteor turned into a Materia.

Red XIII: Interesting. May I see?

Yuffie: NO!

Red XIII: Please?

Yuffie: YOU'RE NOT GETTING MY MATERIA! (jumps off Highwind)

Everyone (shocked): ...

Cloud: Did she just jump off the ship?

Barret: Nah.

Vincent: No.

Tifa: Nope.

Cloud: Okay, that was scary for a moment there.

Cait Sith: I wonder if the people of the slums are okay.

Barret: #$%#$ CAT!!! YOU #$%@& SPY!!

Cait Sith: I'm not a spy anymore! I'm on your side!

Barret: #%#$ CAT!! (knocks Cait Sith off the ship)

Tifa: Barret! That wasn't very nice.

Barret: $#%#$%!! (throws Vincent off the ship)

Tifa: What was that for?!

Barret: He looked at me weird.

Red XIII: Control your anger.

Barret: #$%#$@!! (throws Red XIII off the ship)

Cid: (laughs at what Barret is doing) HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Barret: Don't laugh at me, foo'! (throws Cid off the ship)

Tifa: Barret... Do you want me to bake some cookies for you? Will that make you feel better?

Barret: Ah, yes that would. Thanks, Tifa. (walks inside the ship along with Tifa)

Cloud (looking over the edge of the ship): That's a long way down... Must be fun. (jumps off the ship) WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

(4 Hours Later in the Costa de Sol hospital)

Tifa: Well, I really hope you guys get better.

Barret: Yeah, sorry about that back there on the ship. (goes next to Vincent's bed)

Vincent: AAAAAAAAAAAHH!! GET HIM AWAY FROM ME!!! HELP!!!!

Barret: I ain't doing nothing, foo'! Snap out of it! (smacks Vince)

Vincent (blinks a few times, then goes back to his usual expressionless face): Thanks, Barret.

Barret (looking around): Where's the $%&*&^# spy?

Tifa: Cait? The moogle got destroyed in the fall. Reeve's building a new one.

Barret: Well, that's good and bad news, I guess.

Barret (walking over to Cloud): How you be doing, Cloud?

Cloud: The doctor says we'll have to stay in the hospital for at least a few months, but just cast FullCure on us and we'll be outta here today.

Tifa: Good idea. (takes out FullCure Materia) FullCure!

Cloud (getting out of bed): Ah, I feel much better.

Yuffie (getting out of bed): Me too, but you still can't have my Materia.

Red XIII (getting out of bed): Me three... Um... Me three? I said that?

Vincent (getting out of bed): ...

Cid (getting out of bed): Yeah, I'm all better too—(CRACK) OWWWWW!! (falls back in bed) OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! MY LEG!!! IT STILL HURTS!!! #$%#$%#@$%!!

Tifa: Err... oops. FullCure!

Cid (surrounded by green sprinkles): Ah, that's better. (gets out of bed, and another CRACK is heard) OWWWWWWWWWWW!!! $%^&*&#%$^&#!!! AGAIN!?

Tifa: Oh, wrong Materia. That was the Resist Spell. I guess it'll make it so that your injury stays. Whoops. (sweatdrops)

Cid: #$%^&#%*$*^%$&#$%^&#!!!!!!

(Costa de Sol - outside)

Cloud: So, what do we do now?

Tifa: Let's take a swim at the beach.

Barret: Let's get some grub.

Red XIII: Let's find a place to rest.

Yuffie: Let's buy more Materia.

Cid (on a crutch): OWWWWWWW!!

Vincent: Watch some porno.

All except Vincent: WHAT?!?

Vincent: ...kidding.

Cloud: Well, why don't we split up? Tifa, you can go swimming at the beach, Barret can go eat, Red can get us that house on sale (hands Red 300,000 gil), Yuffie can go buy more Materia, and Vincent can go... watch porno.

Vincent: ...I was kidding.

Cid: What about me?

Cloud: You can... go back to the hospital.

Cid: #$%#@$%@#$#@%!!! Screw that, I'm with Vincent. Let's see some porn!!

Vincent: I said I was kidding.

Tifa: What about you, Cloud? Can you come to the beach with me?

Cloud: I have some... unfinished business to take care of...

Tifa: Okay I guess. Well, if you finish early come to the beach, okay?

AVALANCHE splits up, everyone going different directions, but Cloud stays and frowns. He puts on a trench coat and a top hat for disguise. He walks to the Item shop stealthily, looking around to make sure he isn't followed. Once at the shop Cloud speaks to the owner.

Cloud: Hey, owner guy, let me in.

Owner: Let you in? I don't know what you're talking about, sir.

Cloud: "Ying Yang of the Abracadang."

Owner (whispering): Well, if you know the password... Okay. (opens shaft leading underground) Go right on in.

Cloud: Thanks. (looks around before going in the shaft)

(Underground)

Cloud (walking around in the darkness): Damn it. They should get some lighting down here. (opens a door that he runs into and goes in) Hello? Anyone here?

Suddenly the room lights up to expose a big bar, complete with tables, a stage with dancers on it, some piano music in the background, and a dude behind the bar serving drinks.

Cloud: This is the place. I see they still have that piano music that doesn't match the dancers' rhythm... (walks to the bar) Hey, hey, bring me a beer.

Drink Mixer: I need to see some ID.

Cloud: Sure, one sec. (searches several pockets, his trench coat, his hair, but finds no ID)

Drink Mixer: Sorry kid, no ID, no alcohol.

Cloud: Well, then get me some of that chocolate milk. Make it warm.

Drink Mixer: Sure thing. (goes off to put a drink in a microwave)

Cloud (thinking): Well, this is the place. I told him to meet me here. (looks at his watch) This is the time I said, too. But where is he?

???: Here I am.

Cloud: GYAH!!

???: What's the matter? Did I scare you?

Cloud: Where did you get that idea? (sweatdrops)

??? (sits down next to Cloud): You know who I am right?

Cloud: Yeah.

???: So why is my name still "???"?

Cloud: I dunno. Ok, forget that. I have something to tell you.

???: Ok, shoot.

Cloud: Yeah... It's uh... Well, I don't know how to say this...

Drink Mixer (puts down Cloud's chocolate milk): Here's your milk, sir.

Cloud: Thanks.

???: Milk?

Cloud: Hey! It's good, ok?!

???: Forgot your ID again, huh?

Cloud: …Yes...

???: Let me get us some beers. Hey, drink mixer!

Drink Mixer: Yes?

??? (hands over ID): Two beers, please.

Drink Mixer: Sorry sir, you're too old to buy beer.

??? (surprised): TOO OLD?! Sheez... This world is really going down the drains. Next thing you know you'll be too old to watch porn.

(At a nearby Blockbuster)

Cid (to the cashier): WHAT DO YOU MEAN, WE'RE TOO OLD TO WATCH PORN?!?

Vincent: I was JUST KIDDING!!

(Underground Bar)

Cloud: Well, anyway, the reason I brought you here was... Well... Look, I'm just gonna come right out and say it...

???: Ok.

Cloud: Well... You see... And then... But first...

???: Spit it out, already!!

Cloud: ...I WANT MY JACKET BACK!!

???: ...What?

Cloud: That's right! I said you could borrow it, not have it!

???: This jacket's mine, you moron!

Cloud: I don't see your name on it.

???: (points to big, fat name tag on the front of the jacket)

Cloud: Oh... Right. Ok, nevermind. (quickly leaves bar)

???: ...

Drink Mixer: Hey, where did that guy go? He didn't pay for his milk!!

(At the Materia Shop)

Yuffie: ...and that one, that one, this one, over there, yeah, that one too, and this one, oh definitely that one, and I think I'll take this one too.

Materia Shop Owner: Your bill comes out to 7,273,391 gil. How will you be paying?

Yuffie: Credit card. (hands over a credit card)

Materia Shop Owner: Okay. (zips card through the credit card machine) Okay, we're done Mrs... Cloud Strife. Thank you for your purchase.

Yuffie (takes Cloud's credit card back): Hee hee... No problem. (goes into a big truck with hundreds of Materia in the back and drives off)

(At the Costa de Sol villa)

Dude on the bed: Yeah, who's there?

Red XIII (walking in): Hey, there. I want to purchase this house.

Dude on the bed: Villa.

Red XIII: What?

Dude on the bed: This is a villa, not a house.

Red XIII: Okay. I want to purchase this villa.

Dude on the bed: Well, it might be a house.

Red XIII: ...

Dude on the bed: Then again, it could be a villa. Maybe both.

Red XIII: CAN I JUST PURCHASE THIS RESIDENCE?!

Dude on the bed: Oh, right, ok. 300,000 gil.

Red XIII: Here. (hands over the gil)

Dude on the bed: Thanks. It's all yours. Have fun with this house... or is it a villa?

Red XIII: Just get out of here!

(At the newly built Costa de Sol restaurant)

Barret: Ah, damn, I'm hungry. Shoot, where's the grub?

Barret wanders to the counter.

Barret: 'ey, gimme some food, foo'!

Guy behind the counter: What do you want? Today's special is...

Barret: Just gimme everything on the menu!! I'm @#$@#$ starving over here!!

Guy behind the counter: Sorry, but since you want so much it'll take around three months to prepare.

Barret: WHAT?! Well, then just gimme half of what's on the menu. How long will that take?

Guy behind the counter: Six months.

Barret: WHAT?!?! But I ordered less!

Guy behind the counter: Cheese sandwich it is!

(At the beach)

Tifa: The water's so warm... It's so relaxing...

From nowhere, a little kid appears near Tifa.

Tifa: Yelp!

Little Kid: Did I scare you, lady?

Tifa: Err... where are you mom and dad?

Little Kid: (smiles)

Tifa: What is it?

Little Kid: You're pretty.

Tifa: (smiles) Thank you.

Little Kid: ...and I just peed here. Hee hee hee... (swims away)

Tifa: ...gross. (swims away as quickly as possible)

(Back at Blockbuster)

Cid: Are you saying we should give up on the porno?!

Vincent: I didn't say anything...

Cid: So now you suggest we watch the Spice Girls movie?!?!

Vincent: ...

Cid: You're starting to annoy me! If it wasn't for my injuries I'd be on you right now beating you senseless! $%#$%#@$!!

Vincent: ...whatever.

(At the restaurant again)

Barret: ...hey, how much longer 'til my sandwich is done?

Guy behind the counter: 8-12 months.

Barret: @$#%^*^%#$%&*&@#$!!! (leaves)

(At the Villa/House)

Red XIII: This villa/house is all nice and comfy...

Red XIII: I wonder what everyone else is doing... (leaves)

(At the town square)

Cloud: Hey guys...

Barret, Cid, Vincent, Red XIII: Hey.

Cloud: What have you been doing?

Barret: Trying to eat.

Cid: Trying to rent some porn.

Vincent: ...

Red XIII: I bought the villa.

Barret: Hey, does the villa have a fridge in it?!

Red XIII: Yes...why?

Barret: Is there food in it?!

Red XIII: Yeah, but why?

Barret: YES!! (runs to the villa)

Red XIII: I should follow to make sure he doesn't destroy the house...err, villa. (goes after Barret)

Cloud: So you couldn't rent any porn?

Cid: Nope, the dude was being a @$%^&*^# so we just settled for Loveless.

Vincent: It was you that made the decision of renting it...

Cloud: Why did you two rent that movie? I heard it sucked. It was only playing in Midgar for like a week.

Vincent: I didn't want to rent it...

Cid: Well, me and Vince decided we might as well see it, cause you know it was playing when you met Aeris and Tifa and Barret so we thought it had sentimental value... I'll try to stay awake this time...

Vincent: You mean, _you_ thought it had sentimental value...

Cid: So me and Vincent talked it over and chose to rent this movie.

Vincent: I never said a thing...

Cloud: Well, you two probably made a good choice, because I think Tifa likes that movie.

Vincent: I had no part in the decision to rent it...

Cid: Well, of course! It's romance, of course she'll like it.

Cloud: Romance?! Man, it's hard to believe that Vince wanted to rent a romance movie.

Vincent: I didn't.

Cid: I know. Next thing you know Barret's gonna like it and Tifa will say change the channel.

Vincent: ...

Cid: Say, where is Tifa, anyway?

Cloud: At the beach probably.

Vincent: ...

Cid: Hey, I think Vince's right. We should go check on her.

Cloud: Good idea, Vincent.

Vincent: …?

(At the beach)

Tifa (to some little kids): YES, THEY ARE REAL!!

Cloud, Cid, Vincent: (walk up to Tifa)

Tifa (to the kids): Shoo now, shoo!!

Cloud: Hey Tifa, having a good time?

Tifa (frustrated): No! First some kid pees next to me in the sea, then an ice cream man flirts with me, then global warning gives me skin cancer...

Cloud: !!!!

Tifa: ...that one was a joke...

Cloud (relieved): Oh...

Tifa: ...then ANOTHER ice ream man flirts with me, then the life guards go off duty so we're not allowed in the water anymore, and finally some perverted kids asked me...um...

Cloud: Well? What did they ask you?

Tifa: Well, um, it's nothing. I think I'm ready to go home now.

Cid: Yeah, I'm getting pretty tired.

Vincent: ...

Cid: Vince says he needs some sleep, and soon because he's really tired.

Vincent: ...I said that?

Cid: Yes.

Vincent: ...whatever.

Cloud: Okay, home we go.

(Now at the villa(now belonging to AVALANCHE...))

Cloud, Cid, Tifa, and Vincent walk in to find empty bags of food EVERYWHERE, and the large form of Barret snoozing away on the couch. Red XIII lays quietly near him.

Cloud: What happened here?

Red XIII: Barret ate. Now he's asleep.

Cid: So there was food here? Are there cigs here, too?

Red XIII: Downstairs, in the red chest.

Cid: Thanks. (disappears down the stairs)

Vincent: (walks to a dark corner and stands there, silent)

Cloud: Phew, finally home.

Tifa: Yeah, I gotta change out of this wet bathing suit... be right back. (goes into the bedroom)

Cloud: So Red, how was your day?

Red XIII: Okay... I guess...

Yuffie (walking in, slowly dragging in a big sack full of Materia): Oh, uh, heh heh, hi Cloud.

Cloud: Yuffie?! Where did you get all that Materia?!

Yuffie: I bought it.

Cloud: How?! You have no money!

Yuffie: Here. (throws Cloud his credit card)

Cloud: WHAT?!?! YOU USED MY CREDIT CARD!!!

Yuffie: Uh... no.

Cloud: Oh… For a second there I thought you did... Okay then.

Cid (coming up the stairs and sitting down on top of the sleeping Barret on the couch and smoking a cig) Hey hey, gather round. I'm about to play Loveless.

Tifa (bursting out of the bedroom, already dressed): Loveless?! I loved the play!! The movie should be just as great!!

Yuffie quickly hides her gigantic stash behind the small planter in one of the corners of the living room, then sits down on Barret too. So does Cloud. Red XIII turns toward the TV but stays laying on the ground. Vincent stays in his Corner of Evil and Darkness.

But before Cid can press play, Cait Sith comes hopping in.

Cait Sith: Hey guys, I'm back!

Barret (suddenly snapping awake): #@$@#$@# CAT!!! (punches Cait Sith, destroying him again)

Barret: (goes back to sleep)

Everyone: (shrug)

Cid presses plays and they watch Loveless.

(an hour later)

Cid: Vincent was right, this is a good movie!!

--

-


	2. Episode 002: Cloud's Big Debt

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Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity

Episode #002

__

Cloud's Big Debt

Cloud: I'm bored.

Tifa: ... (washes dishes)

Cloud: Tifa, I'm bored.

Tifa: Uh huh. (washes dishes)

Cloud: ...I mean it.

Tifa: Okay, Cloud. (washes dishes)

Cloud: I'm REALLY bored, Tifa.

Tifa: OKAY CLOUD!!!

Cloud: ...

Cloud: Maybe there's something on TV.

Cloud turns on the TV and flips through dozens of channels.

TV: (salesman) Our prices are INSANE!! The BEST of the season—

Cloud changes the channel.

TV: (woman) Wow! They taste more like real nuts!

Cloud changes the channel again.

TV: (narrator voice) This is your brain on drugs.

Cloud changes the channel once more.

TV: (old lady) I've fallen, and I can't get up!!

Cloud shuts the TV off and throws the remote in the air. It flies for a few seconds, then comes plummeting down to the ground, hitting Red in the head.

Red: ...ow.

Cloud: (sighs) This has been the most boring day. I can't wait until Christmas... We can take a trip to the Golden Saucer!

?: Oh no you won't.

Cloud: (spooked) WHOA!! Who are you?

?: My name is...

Cloud: What's your name?

?: My name is...

Cloud: WHAT'S YOUR NAME?!

?: WHAT?! My name is... WHAT?! My name is... WHAT?! My name is... jigga jigga Slim Shady.

Cloud: ...no it's not.

?: Yeah, you're right. It's Abadenizer.

Cloud: ...ok, Slim Shady sounds more believable than THAT.

Abadenizer: Bah. Are you gonna hear me out or not?

Cloud: What do you have to say?

Abadenizer: I come with news about something that is very important to you. Something that only recently happened, but that will effect your life greatly.

Cloud: (smile) I think I know what you're talking about...

Abadenizer: Oh? Well, if you know, this will be shorter. Look, I know how I can correct the wrong that was made.

Cloud: So, basically what you're saying is you know how to bring Aeris back?

Abadenizer: Bring Aeris back? Well, there's no need for that, she's on her way here right now on a plane.

Cloud: ...Oh. But then, why are you here?

Abadenizer: I thought you knew.

Cloud: I thought so, too.

Abadenizer: So you don't know?

Cloud: Know what?

Abadenizer: What I'm gonna tell you.

Cloud: No.

Abadenizer: Then I'll tell you.

Cloud: Tell me what?

Abadenizer: WHAT I'M HERE TO TELL YOU!!

Cloud: Then... what are you here to tell me?!

Abadenizer : I'm here to tell you... You have one HUGE credit card debt.

Cloud: ...WHAT?!

Abadenizer: Yes, a huge one. Apparently someone made a big, and I mean BIG Materia purchase with your card.

Cloud: Materia, eh? (raises eyebrow) Yuffie...

* * *

Yuffie: No, you must have your facts wrong. I only bought about four Materia... if you leave out the other 900.

Cloud: Darn it. Abadenizer, she couldn't have caused that huge debt if she only bought four Materia.

Abadenizer: But that's if you leave out—

Yuffie: Yeah, listen to him, Abade-freak.

Cloud: So if she didn't do it, maybe it was Red. You know how he's always on a quest for more knowledge.

Abadenizer: Yuffie actually bought 900 and 4 Materia—

Yuffie: Yeah, Red and his knowledge quest. Who knows what he'll do. (rolls eyes)

Abadenizer: But she said that—

Cloud: Or if it wasn't him then maybe Vincent and his habit of renting so many movies, and of course, you know how Blockluster messes up the description of their movie rentals.

Abadenizer: I don't think it was him, I believe it was Yu—

Yuffie: Yeah, Cloud's right, Abade-who.

Abadenizer: OKAY!! Look, who cares who caused the debt? The most important thing right now is getting rid of it.

Cloud: ...and maybe Tifa bought all that Materia as Christmas presents, 'cause you know it's coming up—

Abadenizer: CLOUD!!

Cloud: Yes?

Abadenizer: We need to clear up your debt, not find who did it. You can prevent that in the future by not giving it to people. But the important thing NOW is to find some place where we can score some weed.

Cloud: ?!

Yuffie: Cool, a pothead hippie.

Abadenizer: I'm not a pothead!! What I meant by score some weed was, um, (sweatdrops) you know, make some money.

Cloud: Oh, okay. So what should we do?

Aeris: (busting into the villa carrying tons of bags) Hello everybody! Miss me? That's what I thought.

Cloud: Aeris?

Aeris: Oh, hey Cloud. (throws her 50 bags on top of Cloud)

Cloud: Ack! (is buried under the bags) You brought all of this stuff? You didn't bring anything else?

Aeris: Actually, I bought a low-rider but they didn't let me bring it.

Cloud: How did you buy a low-rider? Those things cost bundles.

Aeris: Your credit card.

Cloud: GAG!! CHOKE!!

Abadenizer: Deeper and deeper you go, my friend.

Cloud: Oh man! (finds his way out of the hill of bags) Man, this is really bad! I need a way to make money, FAST! I need ideas!

Everyone: ...

Cloud: I said I need ideas!!

Everyone: ...

Cloud: Fine! I'll come up with something myself! (thinks hard)

24 hours later...

Cloud: (still thinking hard)

Abadenizer: I don't think it's working...

Cloud: Be quiet! You broke my concentration.

Abadenizer: Look, why don't you make a video?

Cloud: A video?

Abadenizer: You know, make a movie or something. An action movie, or maybe even an instructional tape.

Cloud: Hey... Hey, I got an idea!!

Abadenizer: Oh?

Cloud: I should make an instructional, action movie!!

Abadenizer: ...

* * *

Cloud stands in a plain field holding his Buster sword.

Cloud: (to the camera) Ok, the first thing you need to know to be able to fight monsters is to swing your weapon. This is a simple task, but stupid people like Cloud Strife can't do it... HEY! Who wrote those cue cards?!

Sephiroth(disguised as camera man): Hee hee hee...

Cloud: Whatever... Anyway, first you must firmly grasp your weapon at its handle, or if your weapon has no handle, just grab the most stable point. Next, "get a life Cloud." WAIT!! Who is writing these cue cards?!

Sephiroth: Ha ha ha...

Cloud: Grrr... Ok. Once you have your weapon firmly in your hands, brings your arms back and swing them forward. Make sure you hold your weapon tight. (swings sword and it goes flying out of his hands and screams are heard as it nearly hits several people)

Sephiroth: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!! (pushes a can of oil behind him)

* * *

Cloud stands in another open field. The Chocobo Farm can be seen in the background, and Chocobo tracks are all around near Cloud's feet.

Cloud: Okay, next thing you must learn is to catch a chocobo. There are several areas that are very dangerous without one, like the Midgar Marshes, for example. First, you must go to the Chocobo Farm. There you can ask them if they have any spare Cloud Strifes for rent—hey, wait!

Sephiroth: AAAH!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! (falls over laughing)

Cloud: Okay, forget the cue cards. Anyway, you have to go to the Chocobo Farm. There you can try to get some spare chocobos if they have any. If not, get a Chocobo Lure materia and come out here to the fields. Next you'll want to find a chocobo. After you do that, you have to kill all the monsters around it to catch it. (turns to his left) Look, there's one!

Cloud runs off to his left. Another camera man(besides Seph) follows him and gets footage of Cloud easily destroying the monsters. Then Cloud turns back to the camera.

Cloud: See? That's all there is to it. But remember not to hit the chocobo. They get pretty mad and you'll be sorry.

Cloud shrugs, his sword goes flying again due to some left-over oil, and clonks the chocobo on the head. The chocobo warks loudly and repeatedly pecks Cloud over the head.

Cloud: Ow ow ow ow ouch ow ouchies ow—

Sephiroth: HAHAHAHAAHHA!! The chocobo—HAHAHAAH!!! The sword—HAHAHAHAHAAH!! And the CUE CARDS—HAHAHAHAHAAHAH!!!

* * *

Cloud sneaks around in some bushes, a cliff just beyond him.

Cloud: (whispering) Okay, now the Head Hunters around the Mideel area are very tough monsters, so you'll want to ambush them. But be careful not to slip. (slips)

Sephiroth: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHA!!! All thanks to the oil.

Cloud painfully hits the ground. 4 Head Hunters turn toward him and they stare for a moment, then the Head Hunters start clawing mercilessly at Cloud. Meanwhile Sephiroth laughs uncontrollably at the sight.

* * *

5 minute break. Cloud sits on a chair near his dressing trailer. He has a towel around his neck and several bruises and bandages on his body.

Abadenizer: (shows up) Guess what.

Cloud: What?

Abadenizer: I said guess.

Cloud: (sarcastically) My debt's gone?

Abadenizer: Actually, yes.

Cloud: WHOA?! Really? HOW?!

Abadenizer: Apparently there was some kind of bank error and your debt has been cleared out and transferred to another account

Cloud: So... I wasted my time with this video thing?

Abadenizer: Yep.

Cloud: WHY DID YOU COME UP WITH SUCH A STUPID IDEA?!

Abadenizer: ...

Cloud: But I wonder who got my debt?

* * *

Back at the Northern Crater, Sephiroth returns home and checks his account.

Sephiroth: WHAT?!

* * *

Abadenizer: Yeah, I wonder who.

* * *

(Back at the villa...)

Cloud: I'm home!

Everyone: ...

Cloud: Yeah, I know you missed me. Gee, do I have a story to tell you guys.

Everyone: ...

Vincent: ...

Cloud: Oh, so YOU wanna hear it, Vince?

Vincent: ...?

Cloud: Ok, so first this guy comes and blah blah blah...

Vincent: (wide open and red eyes) ...SHUT...UP...

Abadenizer: Well, I got to be going now.

Cloud: Really?

Abadenizer: No.

Cloud: Oh.

Abadenizer: I'll go now.

Cloud: But...

Abadenizer: We'll meet again... maybe... if I'm the mood... (leaves)

Cloud: (thinks about what he's been through)

Cloud: (sits down on the couch and stares at the TV)

Cloud: I'm bored.

--

-


	3. Episode 003: A Time For Giving?

****

Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity

Episode #003

__

A Time For Giving?

The crew is hanging out the villa/house, not doing much. Vincent is still in his Corner of Evil and Darkness, Yuffie playing with her Materia, Cloud, Cid and Barret watching TV, Aeris sleeping in the middle of the kitchen floor, and Red XIII flying around the room in a jetpack. Suddenly, Tifa busts in from the front door and runs to the bedroom, closing the door. Then she bursts out of that room too.

Tifa: Guys! Do you know what day it is?!

Cloud: Uh... wait, don't tell me... December.

Barret: Retarded! (smacks Cloud)

Tifa: It's the 24th. Tonight is Christmas Eve!! We have to go—

Cloud: To the Gold Saucer!!

Tifa: No... we still have to do our Christmas shopping!

Barret: Whoa, she's right!

Cid: #$%@#$! I dunno why I just cursed, but hey, you're right Tifa.

Cloud: Right about what?

Everyone: ...

Aeris: ...zzZZzz...

Red: (flying around the room in a jetpack) Weeeeeee...

Tifa: Hey, is Red flying around the room in a jetpack?

Barret: Not that I know of.

Cloud: So what were you right about?

Tifa: Cloud, Christmas is a day away!!

Cloud: OH MY GOD!! CHRISTMAS IS COMING AND WE HAVE NO... PIZZA!

Sound effect: woman screaming in the background and scary music playing.

Tifa: No...

Sound effect: record being scratched.

Tifa: We have to shop for gifts too! Not just junk food.

Cloud: Junk food ARE gifts. In the spirit of giving, I give everyone a slice of pizza!

Cid: (ignoring Cloud) Look, we have to GET GOING!!

Tifa: Yeah!

Vincent: ...

Cloud: That's the spirit, Vince!

Tifa: Yuffie, you coming?

Yuffie: I guess... It's another opportunity to get more Materia. Sure.

Cloud/Cid/Tifa/Yuffie: Let's go!

They head for the door.

Barret: GUYS!

Cloud/Cid/Tifa/Yuffie: (turning back) Yes, Barret?

Barret: Someone should wake up Aeris...

Red: Weeeeeeeeeee...

(at the newly built Costa de Sol mall)

Tifa: Okay, we're here.

Aeris: (standing up) ...zzZZzz...

Tifa: WAKE UP!!

Aeris: (sleeping) But I don't wanna...

Tifa: But you HAVE to! You must help us shop!

Aeris: (sleeping) But Tifa... let me sleep...

Tifa: JUST WAKE UP!!

Aeris: (sleeping) Oh, alright.

Aeris: (yawns and opens eyes) Phew... AAAAAAAAAHHH! BAD HAIR DAY!!

Barret: No... That's Cloud's hair.

Aeris: PHEW!! That's a relief.

Cloud: ...

Cid: Let's just get on with the shopping, okay? It's almost nighttime. We have to get back to the villa before then, or else we'll miss the Christmas Eve Dukes of Hazzard.

Tifa: Okay... if we're gonna get this done by then, we have to split up.

Barret: Right.

Tifa: So, everyone head to where you're gonna buy your presents. We'll meet back up here in an hour.

Cloud: Hold on!! We should schedule a time for us to meet up back in here.

Tifa: IN AN HOUR!!

Cloud: I think we should meet back here in an hour.

Tifa: ...

Cid: (to Tifa) Just ignore him.

Tifa: Ok.

Everyone: BREAK!! (they split up)

(at the food court)

Cloud: Yes, could I have a large pepperoni pizza with mozzarella cheese. Oh, and I want another one with sausage and mushrooms, oh, not the drug, the vegetable...

Guy behind the counter: ...?

Cloud: I also want three plain large pizzas, extra cheese, please.

Guy behind the counter: Is that it?

Cloud: That's it. Can you pack it up please?

Guy behind the counter: ...why?

Cloud: Well, I'm shopping for Christmas, so you know, I'll have to wait 'til then to eat this pizza...

Guy behind the conuter: ...you're kidding right?

Cloud: No...

Guy behind the counter: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

(at a clothes shop)

Tifa and Aeris arrive, looking around. Their eyes shine with happiness as they look upon the many, many articles of clothing around them.

Tifa: So what's the plan? Make it quick because in about ten seconds I'll be running to those shoes...

Aeris: You take aisle three, and I'll go to aisle five. Okay Tifa, if I don't meet you at the cashier in ten minutes... I'll still be trying on dresses.

Tifa: And me, the shoes!

They both run off.

(at a Materia shop)

Yuffie: Why did you follow me?!

Vincent: I didn't...

Yuffie: Well, you went where I was going, in my book that's following.

Vincent: You have no book...

Yuffie: It's an expression...

Vincent: It's not a very good one...

Yuffie: Look, just leave me alone, ok?!

Vincent: You started it.

Yuffie: Did not.

Vincent: ...

Yuffie: That's when you say, "Did too!". Gawd, you're no fun, Vince.

Vincent: Whatever.

Yuffie: (checking out the Materia) (singing) Yeah yeah... pah pah, dee dum...

Vincent: ? 

Yuffie: All I want for Christmas is my two front... Materia!

Vincent: ...

Yuffie: Shut up!

Vincent: I didn't say anything...

Yuffie: Did too!

Vincent: ...

Yuffie: That's when you say, "Did not!". JEEZ, Vince, do you have ANY part of a kid inside of you?

Vincent: What do you think?

(at an electronics store)

Worker: (shocked) It's a fake display! It's not real!

Barret: Are you telling me it's not real?!

Worker: (shyly) That's what I said...

Barret: You're joking...

Worker: ...

Barret: SELL US THAT PLAYSTATION 2!!

Worker: (stammering) I...I...fake...just a...d-display...

Barret: Foo'! You better sell us that Playstation 2 before I get mad and have to use this!! (brings up gun arm)

Cid: Barret, Barret... calm down. Let me take care of this... GIVES US THE $%$#%@$ PS2 BEFORE WE #$%#$% KILL YOU ^$#%^#$^#$!!!!

Worker: (scared) I told you! It's only a fake screen display!

Barret: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!!

(at the villa)

Red: Weeeeeeeeeeee...

(at the food court)

Cloud: ...yes, and another one of those, and a large order of sushi would be good.

Chinise guy behind the counter: Ah, yes, yes, of course.

Cloud: (lightly taps foot; behind him is a huge cart full of food)

(at the clothes shop)

Tifa: (tries on dozens and dozens of shoes) Oh, this one's great! Aww, look at that one!! So cute! And this one!! OOOOHH!!! LOOK AT THAT ONE!! I COULD JUST DIE!!

Aeris: (shifting through many dresses) Hmm... I wonder which one Cloud would like the most? Let's see, maybe a purple one. After all, that's what he got back at Sector 7...

(at the Materia shop)

Yuffie: La di da... (stuffs a few Materia in her pocket while no one is looking)

Staff: Hey! You have to pay for those!

Well, almost no one.

Yuffie: Uh... (throws the Materia at Vincent) He took it!

Staff: Ex_CUSE_ me sir, you have to pay for those Materias.

Vincent: ...

Staff: Eh?

Vincent: ...!

Staff: ...?

Vincent: ...

Staff: ...?

Vincent: ...!

Staff: ...

Vincent: ...

Staff: Okay, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. Have a good day. (walks away)

Yuffie: (speechless) What was that?!

Vincent: (just looks at her) ...

(at the electronics shop)

Cid: (to worker, calmly) Okay, this is deal, buddy. First, you're gonna sell us that PS2. THEN, you're gonna give us a receipt.

Barret: No wait, forget the receipt, I don't like those things.

Cid: Ok, forget the receipt. But THEN you're gonna sell us FFX. GOT IT?!

Worker: B...but FFX is a d-display too...

Cid: WERE YOU @#%$#@ LISTENING TO ME?!

Worker: (crying) Ok, ok, I'll sell them to you!!

The worker sells Cid and Barret the PS2 and FFX.

Cid: That's more like it...

(back at the Mall's center square, the group meets up again)

Tifa: Ok... has everyone got everything?

Everyone: Yes.

The group heads home to their villa, or is it house? Anyway, they head there. When they walk in, they notice half of Red's body has disappeared through the roof.

Tifa: Looks like Red flew his jetpack right into the roof.

Cloud: What jetpack?

Aeris: Phew, at least we made it home in time for Christmas Eve. That's the most important thing...

Cid: Guys, it's 9:00PM! We barely made it for the Dukes!

Tifa: Not to EVERYONE...

Aeris: (walks to the kitchen and immediately falls and starts snoring away again)

Barret: Why does she sleep in the kitchen anyway?

(the next day...)

Cloud: WHOO!! EASTER IS HERE!!

Tifa: Christmas, Cloud. Christmas.

Cloud: Yeah! Go Jordan!

Cid: What the HELL are you talking about, Spike?

Cloud: YES!!! SNL SPECIALS!!

Barret: Let's just ignore him.

Cloud: Hey, let's hand out presents.

Barret: Okay, let's NOT ignore him.

Cloud: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!

Barret: I'm about to leave right now...

Cloud: Sorry, ate five pounds of sugar a few minutes ago.

Tifa: Okay, settle down. Let's just hand out the presents now, ok?

Aeris: Ok... let me go first... Cloud, I got you this cute, purple, soft and shimmery dress.

Cloud: A...dress?

Cid/Barret/Yuffie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Red suddenly gets unstuck from the roof and crashes through the table in the middle of the living room.

Red: Ouchies.

Tifa: Red? You're just in time! We're handing out presents!

Red: Okee dokees... Yoos guys can have my jestpack! Here! (takes off jetpack) I dun wanna it no more. It dangerous.

Barret: I think he got hit in the head too hard. What's two plus two, Red?

Red: Durrr... 22?

Barret: Oh, nevermind. He's just fine.

Tifa: ANYWAY, on with the presents.

Yuffie: Okay... I guess I'll go... I got everyone an All Materia.

Everyone: An All Materia...?

Yuffie: So you can Master it and make tons of money!

Everyone: Ooohhhhh...

Cloud: Ooh, ooh, let me go!

Tifa: Wait, it's Barret's turn now.

Barret: Well, me and Cid pretty much both bought the same thing, but I also bought something else. Here, Cloud. Some mousse.

Cid/Barret/Yuffie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Cloud: Um...thanks, guys.

Tifa: Well, I know how much you love swords, Cloud, so I got you this cool one. (hands Cloud the Masamune)

Cloud: Hey... this is Sephiroth's!

Tifa: It is?

(at the crater)

Sephiroth: (crying) I put it right here and then it was gone...(sniff) I DON'T KNOW WHERE IT IS, MOMMY!!

Jenova: It's okay, son...shhh...it's gonna be ok...

(back at the villa)

Cloud: Well, Tifa, I got you this really tasty pizza slice. (hands old, musty pizza)

Tifa: ...

Cloud: Don't worry guys, I got one for everyone. (hands them out)

Everyone: ...

Cid: Ok... the last present, me and Barret bought.

Barret: It's really special, actually. You guys have been asking for it for weeks now, even before we destroyed Meteor.

Yuffie: Actually, we didn't "destroy" it. I made it into a Materia.

Cid: Shut up. Anyway, here it is! (whips out PS2 and FFX)

Aeris: OH MY GOD!! IT'S A CHOCOLATE CAKE!!

Barret: No... it's a PS2.

Cloud and Tifa: COOL!!

Aeris: No cake...?

Cid: Let's hook this thing up and PLAY!!!!

Everyone: YEAH!!

The gang sits down and hooks up their brand new Playstation 2. They pop in FFX and play away...

Cloud: HEY!! This doesn't work... You bought a FAKE DISPLAY PS2?!

--

-


	4. Episode 004: The YaoiYuri Virus Outbreak

Note: Just so some people know, when I write humor fics, all I think about is how I can make it funny. I don't think about what will please fans of a certain character, but rather would bash one in a heartbeat if I thought it was gonna be funny. So if your favorite character gets bashed, please don't take it personally, because I'm just trying to create some humor. ;) And eventually, all characters will probably get their moment to shine.

Episode Note: Yeah, the yaoi/yuri episode… But let me just remind you, it's purely for comedy, nothing in-depth or graphic in here.

****

Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity

Episode #004

__

The Yaoi/Yuri Virus Outbreak

Hojo: ...so then I tell him, "No, stupid! That's when you stick in the DNA!"

Scientists: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Scientist A: Great joke, Hojo!

Scientist B: Yeah, I LOVED the part with the chromosome vendor.

Hojo: Yes... yes... (cellphone rings and he answers) Excuse me, guys. (turns to the side) Hello?

Reno(on cellphone): Hi.

Hojo: Is this Reno?

Reno(on cellphone): This is Reno.

Hojo: I know.

Reno(on cellphone): Can I talk to Hojo?

Hojo: Speaking.

Reno(on cellphone): Hello?

Hojo: Reno?! I'm here!

Reno(on cellphone): Is Hojo in the house?

Hojo: THIS IS HIM!!

Hojo hears some static on his cellphone.

Reno(on cellphone): Hello?

Hojo: Reno?!

Reno(on cellphone): Oh, sorry Hojo, I had some bad static.

Hojo: Look, what do you want, I'm at the annual Mad Scientist Convention. It's annual! Meaning... once a year... I think.

Reno(on cellphone): I know that genius... look, we have a problem and I need the password to activate the purification system.

Hojo: The puri—Reno, just leave me alone! (hangs up)

Hojo: Where was I? Oh yes, the tale about the defective amino acid in the cereal box…

(at Shinra HQ, miraculously rebuilt by... well, that's unkown)

Reno(slams cellphone down, breaking it): That little punk! He hung up on me!

Elena(shocked): He hung up on you...? What could you have possibly said to make that man hang himself...

Reno: No no no, not hung himself, he hung me up on the cellphone.

Elena: Oh... so he hung the cellphone with you on it?

Reno: No, he didn't hang anyone, he just hung me up.

Elena: He hung you up? But you two were talking! He hung you up when you were talking? That's not possible, you're miles away from him!

Reno: I'm not talking about the rope kind of hanging up!!

Elena: You're weird, Reno. Anyway, did you get the password?

Reno: No...

Elena: That's not good... Well, the least we can do is warn people.

Reno: Yeah, let's make a commercial.

(Costa de Sol villa/house)

Barret: Did not!

Yuffie: Did too!

Barret: Did not!

Yuffie: Did too!

Barret: Did not!

Yuffie: Did too!

Barret: Did not!

Yuffie: Did too!

Tifa: What are you two arguing about now?

Barret: We don't know, but whatever it is, I DIDN'T DO IT!!

Yuffie: Did too!

Tifa: Ok...

Cid: @#$%!! Another commercial. (frowns at TV)

Cloud(bursts in the door): Guys_!!_ Check it out_!!_

Aeris: What is it, Cloud?

Cloud: Look what I can do_!!!_ See_!!_

Tifa: See... what?

Cloud: My exclamation marks_!!_ They're Zero Wing style_!!_

TV: Recently, in a lab located in the very secret location of 347 on Street avenue, Junon...

Cid: Well, it's not much secret now.

Cloud: Street avenue... what a non-creative name_!!_

TV: ...a deadly virus broke out when the place blew up.

Aeris: Oh my gosh!

TV: This virus is quickly spreading to all of Junon, and upon infection you will begin to feel dizzy. Buy our new flu medicine!

Aeris: Oh, I thought it was something important.

TV: Oh sorry, wrong paper. This virus broke out in Costa de Sol, and if you catch it, you will begin to like... jeez is this right? ...members of the same gender!

Cid: Hah! Shinra. Makes one story after the other. Watch, they're gonna say something about donating money.

TV: We're doing our best to take care of the virus now, but if you donate some money, say, a billion gil or two, you can help us clear this virus out.

Cid: See?

TV: Yes, I see.

Cid: ?!?!

TV: So watch out for that virus!

Cloud: That was a joke... right? Right ?_!!_

Red: May I ask that you please stop with the Zero Wing exclamations?

Cloud: And what if I don't?

Red: I'll just have to... ask you again.

Cloud: Ok ok, jeez. Don't have to get all physical.

Tifa: Guys, they were joking about that virus, right?

Barret: Of course! Them damn Shinra! Can't trust them.

Then everyone is quiet. They look around at each other, quietly. Suspiciously examining each detail. Then, after about twenty minutes, they start sweating.

Barret: Jeez, is it just me or is it hot it here?

They look around at each other, bug-eyed.

Cloud: My hairdo's getting messed up from the sweat!!

Another half an hour passes. Late afternoon hits Costa de Sol. The group has been quiet for a really long time now. And several of them look around, their faces red. Suddenly, they notice Tifa holding her breath.

Aeris: T-Tifa...?

Tifa: Oh my God!! I have this irresistible urge to rub oil on your back, Aeris!

Aeris: Do it!! PLEASE DO IT!!

Cid: WHAT THE #$@%$@#$!!!

Barret: What is wrong with you two?!

Aeris: (hysterically) I don't know! I feel weird!

Tifa: Me too!

Aeris: For the first time in my life that spiky hair isn't catching my eye!

Cloud: ...guys... I don't think Shinra was kidding about that virus.

Tifa: Hold on, let me get the oil! (runs off)

Red XIII: I feel fine. But I guess it only affects humans... so this should be amusing.

Vincent: ...

Red XIII: You okay there? You're not like the others, are you?

Vincent: No. Hojo's tampering strengthened my immune system.

Red XIII: Oh? Well... I can remember 20 digit numbers in seconds!!

Tifa: I got it! (comes running back)

Barret: Tifa, control yourself!

Cid: Holy #$%@!!! This is happening right in front of my eyes and I'm not getting horny?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?! (grabs head and falls to the ground)

Cloud: Wow... for the first time in my life, I'm not in any sort of a love triangle. (notices Barret and Cid looking at him) 

Barret: Hee hee...

Cloud: What are you staring at?!

Barret: You...

Cloud: Not you too?!

Barret: Argh! (grabs head) This isn't happening!

Cid: We're all gonna die!

Cloud: Actually, I feel fine.

Everyone stops.

Tifa: You f-feel... fine?

Cloud: Yeah. You and Aeris are still attractive to me.

Barret: But... but... why? Why is he the only one?

Cid: Too retarded, maybe?

Barret: That's it.

Cid: Yeah...

Barret: You know... I never noticed before how sexy you look with that cigarette in your mouth...

Cid: Barret!!

Barret: D-damn!

Red XIII: Well then, what should we do?

Aeris: Get a cure for this virus.

Cid: But with this virus, we'd never be able to concentrate on the mission... we'd be too involved with ourselves! coughbarretcough

Barret: Look, I couldn't help it!

Red XIII: Well, I guess the only choice is—

Vincent(walking out of his Dark Corner): The only choice is, send the unaffected people. Me, Red, Cloud.

Everyone: He speaks!

Cid: Vincent... mysterious... sexy... ARGH!!

Barret: Just go before anything else bad happens!

Reeve bursts through the front door on a moogle doll.

Reeve: Hi guys!

Barret: Too late...

Reeve: Barret, when are you gonna stop acting like this to me?

Barret: When you get in bed—UGH!!

Reeve: W-what did you say?

Cloud: Ok, the story is there was a virus released around here... a yaoi/yuri virus.

Reeve: (sarcastic) Great! The first episode I star in and I'm surrounded by Yaoi.

Cloud: ...?

Reeve: Oh, right. (throws hands in air)

Reeve: Oh man, we gotta get outta here!

Barret: Don't worry, it's not like it's gonna effect you, you're already in yaoi status.

Reeve: Shut up!

Cloud: Someone make Barret be quiet.

Cid: With pleasure...

Barret: Ack!

Cloud: Ok, look, since me, Red and Vincent are unaffected, we decided to go get a cure for this virus. Wanna come?

Reeve: Sure. I probably know where we could get some antidote.

Cloud: Really?! Where?

Reeve: Where else, in the Shinra HQ.

Cloud: But the Shinra HQ was destroyed by Meteor.

Reeve: It was rebuilt.

Cloud: By who?

Reeve: We don't know. By a mysterious unknown force... we think it's President Shinra's fat ghost or something.

Cloud: Whatever. Let's just go.

(at Shinra HQ)

Elena: (stands up on a podium in front of an audience) Um... err... There's something that me and Reno have to tell all of you... um...

Reno: Come on! With feeling!

Elena: Ok... THERE'S SOMETHING THAT ME AND RENO HAV—

Reno: (covers ears) Hey!! Not that much feeling!

Cloud: (suddenly pops up in the audience) I have a question!

Reno: Cloud?!

Cloud: No, this isn't me.

Reno: Yes it is!

Cloud: Nuh-uh!

Reno: (to audience) Don't just sit there, guys! Get him! (realizes the audience are all dummies) Oh, right. This is the practice audience...

Cloud: Answer my question!

Reno: How did you get in, anyway?

Reeve steps out onto the stage beside Reno.

Reno: Reeve, you traitor!

Reeve: (scoffs) Not this again...

Cloud: AHEM!! MY QUESTION!!

Red XIII jumps down from a chandelier, landing on the opposite side of the stage from Reeve, beside Elena.

Red XIII: Just ask it!

Cloud: Great, now I forgot. You made me wait so long.

Reeve: Then just let me. Reno, we want an antidote for the virus you guys released in Costa de Sol.

Reno: Look, we don't have an antidote. We need samples to produce a cure but we can't get any because the purification system is locked with a password. The only one who knows it is Hojo, and he won't tell us.

Reeve: You're lying! Don't make me use this! (whips out a lamp) Oops... (whips out a gun) Ha!

Reno: I'm telling you, we don't have it.

Reeve: (points gun closer) Gimme!

Suddenly, two forms rush out of the darkness. Before Red and Reeve know it, Rude and Tseng have them both a gunpoint.

Rude: ...

Tseng: Like he said, put down the gun and uh... (looks at Red) ...close your mouth.

Cloud: Tseng?! How are you alive?

Tseng: Hey, if Sephiroth and Aeris can be alive, why not me?

Rufus: ...or me.

Rufus drops down from seemingly nowhere and lands behind Cloud, with a shotgun ready to fire.

Cloud: See?! You should have let ME ask the question!

???: Enough!

Several gunshots are heard. Rude's, Tseng's, and Rufus's guns are blasted out of their hands. Vincent appears out of another dark corner, quietly blowing away the smoke coming from his handgun.

Vincent: Give us the antidote.

Cloud: Look, they probably have it—

Reno: We don't.

Cloud: That's what I said and—

Elena: No, you said we had it.

Cloud: No I didn't. So what we shoul—

Tseng: You really did say "they have".

Cloud: NO!! Like I was saying—

Rufus: He's right, you know.

Cloud: WHY DOES EVERYONE PICK ON ME?!?!

Everyone: ...

Cloud: Like I was saying... since we both don't have and need the antidote, we should team up!

Everyone: mumble, grumble...

Cloud: Come on, it's not THAT bad, is it?

Everyone: YES!

Cloud: Well, can you just tell us where Hojo is then? We'll find him and PHS you the password.

Reno: He's at the annual Mad Scientist convention, taking place next door to the Costa de Sol villa.

Cloud: Annual. Once a year?

Reno: ...

Red XIII: Costa de Sol villa? That's our house!

Reeve: Ugh. Back we go...

(back to Costa de Sol, at the annual(once a year) Mad Scientist convention)

Cloud: I never noticed this place before... Probably because it's all the way next door...

Reeve: Let's find Hojo already.

Red XIII: Well, look for white coat and glasses.

Reeve: ALL the scientists here have white coats and glasses!

Red XIII: Then look for the thoughtful, educated look on his face.

Reeve: ALL the scientists have thoughtful, educated looks on their faces.

Red XIII: Then look for the test tubes and chemical droppers.

Reeve: ALL the scientists have test tubes and chemical droppers.

Red XIII: THEN JUST LOOK FOR HOJO!!

Reeve: ...that'll work.

Cloud: Wait, I think I see him.

The 4 walk off toward a scientist.

Cloud: No, that's not him.

Red XIII: Wait, there he is!

They go off again.

Reeve: Nope...

Cloud: Over there!

They trot off one more time.

Vincent: (shakes head)

Cloud: Oh no... we're lost amongst the mad scientists!

Hojo: ...and then I say, "Aeris? Gee, that sounds familiar. Oh yes, that's what I named my pet Jenova clone!"

Scientists: HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Reeve: THERE he is!

Cloud: I hope we find Hojo soon...

Red XIII: Cloud, he's over there.

Cloud: GUYS!! I found Hojo!

Hojo: Hmm...?

Reeve: Hojo! Give us the password for the purification system!

Hojo: Again with the purification sys— did Reno send you?

Red XIII: Just give us the password!

Hojo: Ok, fine... here. (scribbles something on a piece of paper and hands it to Reeve)

Reeve: "JenouvaRkewl?"

Hojo: Yes, if you MUST say it out loud...

Reeve: Ok, great.(takes out PHS) The password is... "JenouvaRkewl."

Reno(on PHS): Okay, I sent you the antidote.

Reeve: ALREADY?!

Reno(on PHS): Of course. That mysterious force gave us some good technology. NOW STOP CALLING ME! (hangs up)

(at Shinra HQ)

Reno: Ha ha... I hung up on him.

Elena: You hung him up?

Reno: Not this again...

(back at Costa de Sol)

Reeve: Reno said the cure is on its way.

A SPS man shows up(Shinra Postal Service) with a package.

SPS Man: Cloud Pansy?

Cloud: That would be me.

Reeve/Red XIII/Vincent: ???

SPS Man: Sign here please. (Cloud signs pad)

SPS Man: Thank you. Have a nice life. (hands package)

Cloud: Gee, I wonder what it is!?

Reeve: The antidote.

Cloud: Oh... right.

Reeve: Ok, let's get back to the others then.

Hojo: Cloud... I never noticed how that SOLDIER uniform looked so good on you... (growls)

Cloud: AAAAAAAAAH!!

Red XIII: He's been infected too!

Reeve: Run!

(Costa de Sol villa)

Reeve, Red XIII and Cloud come running in, followed by Vince.

Cid/Barret/Tifa/Aeris/Yuffie: Did you get the antidote?!

Reeve: Yeah, here it is. (throws them a vial)

Cid: W-wait! This is just one vial.

Tifa: Does that mean only one of us can be cured?

They all look around at each other.

Reeve: No, there's more.

Everyone: Phew.

Reeve: Drink up.

Cid/Barret/Tifa/Aeris/Yuffie: (each take a vial and drink it)

Cloud: So, what did you guys do while we were gone?

Barret: (nervously) Uh, nothing Cloud, nothing.

Aeris: Phew, I'm feeling better already.

Tifa: Thanks guys! You saved us!

Reeve: So, now that everything's fine why don't you guys welcome me back?

Everyone: mumble

Reeve: Yeah! That's the spirit!

Cloud: So... everything's back to normal.

Cid/Aeris: (watch TV)

Barret: Did not!

Yuffie: Did too!

Barret: Did not!

Yuffie: Did too!

Tifa: (sigh) What are you guys arguing about now?

Vincent: (goes back to his corner)

Cloud: SOMEONE SET US UP THE BOMB_!!_

Red XIII: Normal... if you could call it that...

--

-


	5. Episode 005: Crossing the Chrono

****

Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity

Episode #005

__

Crossing the Chrono

TV: ...and today in Costa de Sol, there is a 105% chance for snow, sleet, hail, a tropical thunderstorm, two tornadoes, five earthquakes, fifteen forest fires, and the melting of the polar ice caps.

Cloud: Wha...?

Tifa: (looks outside; sees a perfectly shiny and cloudless sunny day) If I didn't know any better, I'd say the weatherman is wrong...

Cloud: What are... polar ice caps...?

Tifa: Beats me.

Barret: (beats Tifa)

  
Tifa: Ow!! Barret, I didn't mean it literally!

Barret: Oh sorry.

Tifa: (busted ribs and broken arm) No problem...

Cloud: (turns head around)

Tifa: (gets poked in the eye by a hair spike) CLOUD!!

Cloud: Oh sorry, Tifa.

Tifa: (puts on full body armor) There...

Aeris: (walks out crying from the basement)

Yuffie: What happened, Aeris?

Aeris: (sobbing) Nothing... I..I just have something in eye...

Cloud: So what happened? See some really emotional soap opera?

Aeris: (rubbing eyes) I just have something... in my eye...

Barret: Come on Aeris, just say it. What made you cry?

Aeris: I JUST HAVE SOMETHING IN MY EYE!! (pokes eye for a moment, taking out a microscopic dirt spec)

Aeris: (is all better) See?

Everyone: ...

Cloud: Hey you know, I noticed something. Every time we get together in the living room of our villa/house, something happens and we get sent off on some kind of adventure.

A blue vortex portal thingy opens and several forms are thrown through, all slamming down, breaking the living room table, and making a small hill of bodies in the center of the living room.

Everyone looks at Cloud.

Barret: You're not Miss Cleo in disguise, are you?

Cloud: No_!!_

Kid: (scowling) Ugh... Where am I...?

Lynx: (purring) Meow.

Viper: (grabbing back in pain) Oh my osteoporosis... chalk it up to old age...

Serge: (...nothing) ...

Kid: Hey hey hey!! Get yerselves off me! (throws Serge, Lynx, and Viper halfway across the room)

Aeris: Who are you guys?

Kid: Well, I'm Tifa, (points to Serge) that's Cloud, (points to Viper) that's Cid, (points to Lynx) and that's Sephiroth.

Aeris: No, who are YOU guys, not US?

Kid: OH!! I'm Kid, that's Serge, the old one is Viper, and that cat there is Lynx.

Cloud: Was that a magic spoon you guys went through?

Kid: That there was more along the lines of a portal, mate.

Cloud: That's what I meant.

Kid: ...?

Barret: He's always like this, you'll see.

Kid: Don't count on it! I'll just be jumping back to my world now. (jumps at portal, but it closes) (falls face first into the floor) Ow.

Aeris: Hey, the portal closed.

Barret: Well, maybe you can only use it once.

Tifa: Nah, I don't think that's it. It stayed open until she tried to jump through it. Maybe the conditions aren't right.

Kid: What do you mean?

Tifa: Maybe you all have to go through the portal at the same time for it to work.

Kid: ...that makes sense. But, look a' them. They all knocked out.

Serge/Lynx/Viper: (knocked out)

Tifa: Well, you threw them across the room.

Kid: No, I didn't.

Tifa: I quote, _"Kid: Hey hey hey!! Get yerselves off me! (throws Serge, Lynx, and Viper halfway across the room)"_

Kid: See, that's where yer wrong. I threw them HALFWAY across the room, you said I threw the across the room.

Tifa: Well, look, let's just drop this and concentrate on getting you guys back to your own world.

Viper: Ugh...

Barret: Hey, they're waking up.

Cloud: Wake up! (kicks Viper)

Tifa: CLOUD!

Cloud: What? I was just trying to help him wake up.

Lynx: (wakes up) Ugh... Where are we?

Viper: I dunno, but I just got kicked.

Lynx: You did? We must be at the villa/house at Costa de Sol in the world of FF7.

Viper: ...how the hell did you know all that from the fact that I got kicked?

Lynx: Cats are all knowing, my friend.

Viper: You're not a full cat!!

Tifa: Ok guys, settle down. We need to get you, Kid, and Serge back through the portal at the same time for it to work.

Lynx: Kid?! Serge?! (runs away)

Viper: (runs away too)

Tifa: ...

Serge: (wakes up) ...

Cloud: Hey, he woke up! Hey.

Serge: ...

Cloud: Say something, buddy.

Serge: ...

Cloud: Say something!!

Serge: ...

Cloud: TALK!!

Serge: ...

Cloud: Why won't he talk?!

Serge: ...

Tifa: Ok look, me, Barret, and Serge will go after the old man. Cloud, Aeris, and Kid can go chase the cat guy.

Barret: Huh? I thought you'd want to be with Cloud.

Tifa: Well, Cloud's been in the need for a haircut lately, so hanging around him might be a little dangerous.

Aeris: Ok then, let's go!

Cloud: Hold on, guys! Aren't you forgetting something?

Aeris: What, Cloud?

Cloud: That forecast that the weatherman made. If it's true, it'll be really dangerous to go outside today.

Barret: Cloud, since when are them weather foo's right, anyway?

Cloud: Ok, I guess...

Kid: Alright! Let's split up and catch those guys!

(Not too long after, not too far from the villa, not too—well, I've said enough)

Cloud: Look, he's over there! (points)

Aeris: That's a rock.

Cloud: No, not that, beyond that.

Aeris: That's another rock.

Cloud: No no no no... BEYOND that.

Aeris: Hey, he's right, there he—no wait, that's a rock too.

Kid: He's over there!

Lynx: (hiding behind a tiny pebble opposite the way Cloud was pointing) Drat, I've been spotted. (runs)

Aeris/Cloud/Kid: (run towards him)

Cloud: Whoa, there's a cliff there.

Aeris: No, it's not a cliff, it's only--

Lynx: You'll never catch me! (jumps off cliff) AAAAEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeee...!!

Kid: Bugger! He jumped off the cliff!

Aeris: It's only a five foot drop; come on, let's get him!

(Old People's Home, somewhere in Mideel)

Tifa: How did we get here so fast?

Barret: Who cares, we have to search for the old Viper dude!

Tifa: Barret, we're _surrounded_ by old dudes. 

Barret: That's exactly why he would hide here, and exactly why we came here to search for him.

Tifa: Now where exactly IS he?

Barret: Well, we have to look for him.

Tifa: But he's an old guy in a Old People's Home. How would we tell him apart?

Barret: He's got armor and a sword.

Tifa: ...good point. Got any ideas, Serge?

Serge: ... (shakes head)

Tifa: Ok then, we begin the search! (begins search)

(at a newly-built zoo, somewhere in Nibelheim)

Aeris: Cloud, settle down!

Cloud: OMIGOSH! Look at the penguins!

Kid: Jeez, it's like he's never been to a zoo before, eh?

Aeris: Actually, this is the world's first zoo. I don't remember passing by any zoos on our search for Sephy...

Kid: Uh...

Cloud: OH JOY! Lookit! Hedgehogs! Where's Sonic?

Aeris: Come to think of it, I never saw any clothing stores, food shops, or places to buy household things back then, either. But, then how did we have those things?

Cloud: w00t! I see a cat!

Kid: Well, let's concentrate on our search—wait, did you say a "cat", Cloud?

Cloud: Yeah! Lookit! (points to exhibit)

Kid: Well, I'll be damned! It's him!

Cloud: How do you know? Looks like a regular cat to me.

Kid: He's wearing _clothes_.

Cloud: Well, you can't expect one to just leave the house naked, now can yo—ohhhhhhh...

Lynx: Drat! I've been found! (runs) (trips on a rock) (hits head on edge of it) Owie...

Kid: He seems to say "drat" a lot...

Aeris: Hurry Cloud, grab him!

Cloud: But the sign says not to lean over the railing!

Kid: Oh, for crying out loud! (jumps over railing and throws huge five ton boulder on top of Lynx)

Aeris: Yeah, uh... That was a good idea... A little drastic but it'll hold him.

Kid: Heh, the point wasn't ta _hold_ him... Ok, let's bring him back to the villa.

(back at the Old People's Home)

Tifa: (sigh) Ok, I checked rooms 10,240 through 23,410, but didn't find him... How about you guys?

Barret: Rooms 1 through 10,239 are clear, no sign of him.

Tifa: Serge, find him in any of the rooms, from 23,411 to 30,000?

Serge: (shakes head)

Barret: Jeez, I can't believe how huge this place is. It'd be a miracle to find him here.

Just then they see Palmer in the other end of the hallway, pushing an old man in a wheelchair—an armored, sword-wielding old man in a wheelchair!

Barret: Palmer!

Palmer: Oh, it's you again. Before you say anything, yes, I accept your apology.

Tifa: Huh? For what!?

Palmer: Making that truck hit me on purpose... You know, in when we were fighting for the Tiny Bronco.

Tifa: That wasn't us!

Palmer: Apology accepted. Now if you'll excuse me, I must get my grandpa over to his room on the 584th floor.

Barret: Listen here, foo'! That old man in that wheelchair is coming with us!

Palmer's Grandpa: (sleeping peacefully)

Palmer: I will _not_ give you my grandpa! ...unless you have some lard.

Tifa: You'd trade your grandpa for lard?

Palmer: Well... yeah. Wouldn't you?

Tifa: No!

Barret: Damn it, just give the fat guy some lard.

Palmer: Don't say "fat"!

Serge: (gives Palmer lard)

Tifa: Where'd you get that from so quick?

Serge: (points to pocket)

Palmer: Ok! You can have my grandpa.

Barret: (hoists Viper on his shoulder) He sure is sleeping soundly.

Palmer: Yeah, I was playing around with vaccines and accidentally gave him a dose of elephant tranquilizer... twice.

Barret: _Twice_?

Palmer: Well, I gotta go. (runs)

Tifa: Whatever... Let's just go back to our house.

(at the villa)

Tifa, Barret, and Serge walk in to find Cloud, Aeris, and Kid waiting on the couch, and a squashed Lynx on the floor.

Kid: Oi! You guys sure took yer time.

Tifa: Do you have any idea how many places we had to look through!?

Kid: 30,000?

Tifa: How'd you know?

Kid: I guessed.

Aeris: Well, now that we've gotten everyone here, it's time to say goodbye.

Tifa: Wait, where's the portal?

Kid: The blasted thing was in front of the TV, so we moved it outside.

Barret: (thinking to himself) How they do that?

They go outside, towards the portal. Serge grabs the knocked out Viper, and Kid grabs the knocked out Lynx. They stand in front of the portal, and get ready to jump through. But just as they go to jump...

Cloud: Wait!

Everyone looks at him.

Kid: What's the matter, mate?

Cloud: Come... visit us sometime, ok?

Kid: Huh?

Cloud: I enjoyed hunting a cat man with you. I hope we can do it again sometime.

Tifa & Aeris: (cast dark looks at Kid)

Kid: Hmm... That's a bad analogy, but I think I understand what you're saying.

Barret: Heh, and they say _my_ analogy was bad...

Kid: Well, uh, I'll try to visit ya, mate. After I get done with this whole Chronopolis mess with Serge, I'll come visit you guys.

Cloud: (smiling) Ok.

Tifa & Aeris: (if looks could kill, Kid would be dead)

Kid: Bye.

Barret & Cloud: Bye.

Tifa & Aeris: Go.

Kid and Serge jump through the portal, holding Viper and Lynx, and disappear. A moment later, the portal closes.

Tifa and Aeris start walking back to the house.

Tifa: (scoffs) That Kid, she's no competition for us.

Aeris: Nope, not al all.

Cloud: (looking up at the clear sky) Well, Barret... I guess you were right, "them weathermen foo's" were wrong again.

Barret: What did I tell ya, huh? (chuckles) Alright, man, let's go in. (goes back in the villa)

Cloud: (still looking up) Yeah, today was a good day.

Cloud starts walking back to the villa, when suddenly he is hit by snow, sleet, hail, is shocked by a tropical thunderstorm, is shaken and stirred by two tornadoes, crushed under the power of five earthquakes, burned by fifteen forest fires, and drowns in the melting of the polar ice caps.

Cloud: (with eyes as X's) I guess them weathermen foo's... were right after all...

--

-


	6. Episode 006: Craterite, Please

****

Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity

Episode #006

__

Craterite, Please

At Shinra HQ, cafeteria, the Turks are enjoying their delicious VIP lunch.

Tseng: Trade my baloney sandwich for your Hot Pockets?

Rude: No.

Reno: All right, bye. (closes cell phone)

Elena: I just don't agree with you hanging people up...

Reno: Kill me.

Rude: Here. (hands Reno a remote control)

Reno: Huh? What's this for?

Rude: Her.

Reno: (points it to Elena and presses a button) (Elena is zapped with a ray)

Elena (trance-like): "...will return, after these messages from our sponsors."

Reno: Sweet. Does this thing pick up Playboy?

Sephiroth: Hey.

Tseng: What are you doing here?

Sephiroth: I've come to take over Shinra. Muahahahahaha...

Rufus: You don't want to, it's boring. All the paperwork... Not to mention you never get any respect you deserve.

Sephiroth: Yeah but... it's your dad's company. Don't you care that I'm gonna steal it from you?

Rufus: Nah, you can have it.

Sephiroth: ...but I came here to do something evil! Making you happy isn't evil! Wait, I got it! I'll _refuse_ to take your company away from you. Ha! That's evil! You know, because it's relative.

Rufus: That's cool, too.

Sephiroth: (sigh) Ok then, I'm gonna take over the Turks!

Tseng: Now you die.

Reno: FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

Elena (trance-like): "...seven were killed, and several dozen wounded. Police say..."

Scarlet: (walking in) Now now, you boys settle down.

Sephiroth: What!? I'm not gonna answer to—

Tseng: Don't fight it man, don't fight it...

Reno: What do you want with us now, Scarlet?

Scarlet: First of all, gimme your Hot Pockets.

Rude: ...no.

Scarlet: That's an order!

Rude: ...get your own.

Scarlet: Gimme! (takes Rude's Hot Pockets)

Rude: ... (makes more)

Scarlet: (speaking with her mouth full) Anyshwaif, Aye needshf youf... (swallows) Ahem, I need you to get me a sample of a rare undiscovered material that grows in the North Crater.

Reno: Who are you to order us around?

Rufus: She's the head of the Meaningless Sidequest Creations Committee.

Scarlet: Yes, I am very proud of my position in the MSCC.

Reno: I thought sidequests were for the good guys.

Scarlet: Anyway, the undiscovered materiel's name is Craterite, and it's one of the strongest materials on the planet. I need it to build a robot.

Reno: If it's undiscovered, then how do you know about it?

Scarlet: Go now!

Reno: If it's undiscovered, then how do you know about it?

Scarlet: Go now!

Rude: Deja vu.

Scarlet: Go now!

Tseng: All right, all right, we'll go! But could you at least give us coordinates?

Scarlet: 167, 432, 560, 251.

Tseng: Hey, that's Sephiroth's house.

Scarlet: No, Sephiroth's house is 167, 431, 559, 252.

Tseng: That's a few feet away from his house.

Scarlet: But not his _house_.

Reno: Whatever, let's just go. The sooner we do this the sooner we can get back and rest.

Rude: And eat more Hot Pockets.

Reno: You need help. You're addicted.

Rude: No.

Rufus: Good luck, guys.

Reno: You're not coming?

Rufus: I'm the pres. What do you think?

Sephiroth: Alright, look, during the trip there you may notice I'm going the same way you are, but just remember I'm not following you. I'm going _home_.

(Five minutes later…)

Reno: Dude, stop following us.

Sephiroth: I'm going _home_!

(Five more minutes later, the group reaches the ocean…)

Sephiroth: Amazing how fast traveling by foot is.

(The group puts on special boots and starts their walk across the ocean)

Sephiroth: You know, these gold-chocobo boots are amazing. I didn't even know they existed. Boots that simulate the abilities of gold chocobos! Amazing! Who made them?

Elena: Scarlet. She made them from the last undiscovered material she had us go find.

Reno: She never had us go find materials before.

Elena: Oh yeah… I did that one all by myself. You guys were out drinking at the time.

Reno: Ha! That's what you get for being such a good worker. Extra work! Next time, ditch work and come have some drinks with us.

Elena: But, we could get in trouble…

Reno: Yeah, right. Scarlet is all talk; she'd never fire anyone. It'd be easier to find trouble out here in the ocean than with Scarlet.

(Suddenly, a huge squid, sea-monster-type-thing pops out of the water)

Tseng: Looks like trouble.

Elena: I guess Reno was right.

Rude: Let me take care of this. (throws Hot Pocket at the monster)

Huge Squid Sea-Monster-Type Thing: (eats Hot Pocket) (swims away)

Reno: (impressed) Whoa.

Rude: (nods) Multi-purpose.

(Five more, _more_, minutes after that, the group reaches the Northern Crater)

Sephiroth: No, I mean it! Why do we even have cars or planes? We just walked between continents in fifteen minutes.

Tseng: Quiet. Now we must search for the Craterite. Elena, you've got the tracking device; are we close?

Sephiroth: Ah, home at last! (goes inside house)

Elena: I guess we're there.

Reno: All right, now we just have to find this stupid rock and go home.

They search around for a few minutes, but don't find many rocks. And the ones they do find aren't Craterite.

Rude: Hmph. Unexpected.

Reno: We're at the Northern Crater! An explosion made this place! We should be _surrounded_ by rocks and pebbles, and, in turn, Craterite!

Tseng: Hey look, a pointy yellow rock.

Reno, Rude and Elena follow Tseng's gaze. Indeed, behind a boulder, there is a strange pointy yellow thing protruding.

Reno: (narrows eyes) Wait a minute… (walks slowly closer to the "rock") That's no rock… (walks even closer) Don't tell me it's… (grabs the pointy yellow thing and pulls)

Cloud: AAAH! (goes flying out of his hiding spot, falling face-first on the ground not too far away)

Tseng/Reno/Rude/Elena: CLOUD?!

Cloud: (eyes closed, rubbing head) Ok, ok, you found me, but you didn't have to pull that hard.

Reno: What are you doing here?!

Cloud: (opens eyes) …hey, you're not Barret and Tifa, or anyone from AVALANCHE!

Reno: Well, Barret, I'm glad I'm not, but Tifa, maybe…

Elena: (smacks Reno)

Cloud: (stands up) Well, the gang had a great idea. Play Hide and Seek! I'm it, and they said to go hide somewhere in the Northern Crater, but… I've been hidden for more than a day now, and they haven't come.

Rude: Heh.

Reno: HAHAHAHAHA! They tricked you bad! They're probably back in Costa de Sol relaxing.

Cloud: No, I think my hiding spot is just too good. (gasp) I have to hide again before they find me! (jumps behind rock again)

Reno: (pulls Cloud out again) They're not here. You got tricked.

Cloud: Ok, ok, I'll stop hiding. But if they find me it's your fault.

Elena: (terrified) Cloud! The lower half of your body is completely black!

Cloud: Oh, this? It's just a swarm of ants. The bad thing about that hiding spot was that it was right on top of a huge anthill.

Elena: Doesn't that hurt?

Cloud: (stops and thinks) Hey, now that you mention it… OWWWWWWWWWWW!! (rolls around on the ground mad with pain)

Rude throws a Hot Pocket on the ground, next to Cloud, and the ants all rush to it.

Cloud: (stands up) Hey, thanks.

Reno: Whoa.

Rude: Multi-purpose…

Tseng: Could we just get back to our meaningless sidequest?

Cloud: A sidequest?! Let me help!!

Reno: NO!

Elena: Oh, come on. It wouldn't hurt. We're not having much luck, anyway.

Reno: Fine, but only because… uh…just look!

Cloud: Ok! (starts searching) Wait, what are we searching for?

Tseng: Craterite.

Cloud: Oh yeah. That rare, undiscovered material that was on the news.

Reno: On the _news_?

Tseng: Elena, check the coordinates again. Make sure they're right.

Elena: Our objective is… 167, 432, 560, 251. We're currently at… 167, 432, 560, 250.

Reno: Ok, so we just have to walk a few steps to the… uh… wait, what is that coordinate?

Elena: 250? Um… I think it's… X? No wait… It's not Y…

Tseng: Do _four_ coordinates even _exist_?

Cloud: Wait, 167, 432, 560, 251, that's Sephiroth's house.

Tseng: Isn't it a few feet from his house?

Cloud: No, it's his house.

Tseng: I knew it!

Reno: Can we trust him?

Tseng: Well, who would you trust, Cloud or Scarlet?

Reno: …tough choice.

Rude: Elena, run a check on the material Sephiroth's house is made of.

Elena: Ok. (runs a check) Hey! It's Craterite!

Reno: All right! Let's break off a piece and be off.

Cloud: Wait! We need permission first.

Reno: What?! I don't need any permission to do _anything_.

Cloud: Trust me, I can tell you, from experience, people are usually not happy when you chip their houses without permission.

Reno: How often do you go chipping houses?!

Cloud knocks on the door to Seph's house. A red-eyed sleepy Sephiroth answers.

Sephiroth: (sleepily) No, we don't want (yawn) your girl scout cookies.

Cloud: Hey, Sephiroth, we need a piece of your house.

Sephiroth: Cloud!! My mortal enemy!! Why did you wake me up at this ungodly hour?!

Tseng: You were sleeping? But you just went in there five minutes ago.

Elena: And it's noon, for "Steve's" sake.

Rude: It's "Pete."

Sephiroth: (sleepily and grumpy) Yeah well, a lot of things seem to be happening in five minutes, huh? And Cloud! If I wasn't so sleepy, and if I hadn't lost my Masamune, I'd be on you right now like Rude on Hot Pockets.

Cloud: Ok, we can fight and stuff later, but right now I want a piece of your house.

Sephiroth: (sleepily and grumpy) Sure whatever, but you mark my words! The next time we meet, we're having a SHOWDOWN! (slams door shut)

Sephiroth: (opens door again) Did you say a piece of my house?

Cloud: Yeah.

Sephiroth: (thinks for a moment) 'K. (slams door)

Reno: Ok, _now_ can I chip off a piece?

Cloud: Sure!

Reno: (brings in a wrecking ball and slams off an entire wall of Sephiroth's house, revealing fully his room) There. Now we can go.

Tseng: We only needed a sample, you know.

Reno: So?

Sephiroth: (yelling with his eyes closed) Keep it down out there! Damn neighbors…

Cloud: (proudly) Well, sidequest completed! I'll go home now; I think the guys gave up since they couldn't find me.

Reno: Heh, yeah, you do that.

(back at Shinra HQ, five minutes later…)

Elena: We're back!

Scarlet: Well, that was quick.

Reno: Here's your stupid Craterite.

Scarlet: (holds Craterite above her head) I have the power! (a beam of light shines down on Scarlet)

Tseng: Where the hell is that light coming from?

Scarlet: I can feel its power passing through me!

Scarlet: …I'll go build the robot now. (leaves)

Reno: Well, that's over.

Rude: (opens microwave and pulls out Hot Pockets) Yum.

(Five minutes later…)

Scarlet: (comes running in) I've finished the robot!

Reno: Does anything _not_ happen in five minutes around here? Jeez.

Scarlet: I shall call it, Proud Cola!

A little hoover bot slides from behind Scarlet.

Reno: Proud Cola? Well, at least you didn't leave out a letter this time.

Scarlet: I _meant_ to spell it Proud Clod instead of Proud Cloud you twit!

Tseng: So, what exactly does your robot do?

Scarlet: It doubles as both a dishwasher and a vacuum cleaner.

Reno: More useful than Proud Clod was.

Scarlet: Shut up! Oh yeah, it also works as a vending machine. (kicks robot's mid-section) (soda can falls out)

Scarlet: (pops it open and drinks it) Ah, carbonated goodness.

Tseng: You had us go to the Northern Crater just for that?

Scarlet: They don't call them meaningless sidequests for nothing, you know.

Rude: Just be happy it's over. (munches on Hot Pockets)

(at the Costa de Sol villa)

Cloud: (walking in) Hey guys, you here?

Cloud searches the entire house, but finds no one.

Cloud: I don't think they gave up yet.

Reeve: Hey.

Cloud jumps back in surprise. Reeve is sitting on the couch watching TV.

Cloud: AH! Reeve, how long have you been sitting there?

Reeve: I've been sitting here the whole time. How in the world did you miss me?

Cloud: Really? Hey, have you seen the others?

Reeve: Oh yeah, they just left a little white ago to get some food.

Cloud: Did they give up the Hide and Seek?

Reeve: Huh? They never said anything about Hide and Seek.

Cloud: Well, I guess they were too embarrassed about not being able to find me. (sits down on the couch and watches TV) Hope they get back soon; I haven't eaten in over a day.

--

-


	7. Episode 007: Ninja Tribulations

****

Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity

Episode #007

__

Ninja Tribulations

Tifa, Cid, Reeve and Barret are sitting on the couch at the villa. Tifa and Barret are snoring away, while Cid watches TV attentively. Suddenly, Yuffie walks in. She walks beside Cid.

Yuffie: Hey, Cid, I need a favor.

Cid: (eyes still on TV) mumble mumble

Yuffie: Cid! Favor! Please!

Cid: (eyes still on TV) mumbly mumble whisper

Yuffie: CID!

Cid: (eyes still on TV) whispery mumble

Yuffie stomps across the room and turns the TV off. Immediately, Cid jumps up infuriated, and Tifa, Reeve and Barret wake up, rubbing their eyes.

Cid: What the hell are you doing, brat?! That's the Dukes of Hazzard super-rare special episode!

Yuffie: Cid, I need a favor from you!

Cid: What is it?!

Yuffie: I need to borrow the Tiny Bronco.

Cid: Whatever, whatever, just turn the TV back on.

Yuffie: (turns TV back on)

Cid: (goes back to trance-like TV-watching state)

Tifa: (yawn) So where are you going, Yuffie?

Yuffie: Back to Wutai.

Barret: What for, foo'?!

Yuffie: It's time for me to take my next ninja test. I need to do it to climb the ninja ranks.

Barret: And give us some ninja free happy time, heh.

Tifa: (smacks Barret)

Barret: What was that for?!

Yuffie: Ok then, I'll be off. (walks out the door)

Tifa: Say, where has Cloud been?

Reeve: Yesterday, he came around saying something about Hide and Seek. Then he left again right before you guys came back.

Barret: Oh yeah, that Hide and Seek thing! Hahahaha!

Tifa: Did he say where he was going?

Reeve: He said he was gonna hide in Wutai. And he also told me not to tell you. Wait… oops.

Tifa: You know, I think we better go get Cloud. This Hide and Seek practical joke has gone too far.

Barret: (has been rolling on the ground laughing for the last couple of seconds) Phew, yeah, it definitely went too far. I almost died of laughter right here.

Reeve: Just for the record, did you have any part in it, Tifa?

Tifa: Actually, it was Barret and Aeris that tricked him.

Reeve: _Aeris?_

Tifa: Strange, but true. Ok, let's go Barret.

Barret: (sigh) Alright…

Tifa: Reeve, don't you wanna come too? Better do it before…

Reeve: (snoring away)

Tifa: …too late.

Barret: How can Cid stand watching that stuff… Jeez.

Tifa and Barret walk out the door, and find Yuffie there!

Tifa: Yuffie?! Weren't you going to Wutai?

Yuffie: Yeah but I… don't know how to work the Tiny Bronco.

Barret: So you were just gonna wait out here 'til someone came along?

Yuffie: Err… maybe.

Tifa: Let's just go.

The three circle the house and board the Tiny Bronco in the backyard.

Barret: Hold on! Hold on!

Tifa: What is it?

Barret: I ain't sitting next to Yuffie! She's gonna get sick and blow chunks all over me!

Yuffie: Shut up! I can stand it, ok?!

Barret: No, you can't!

Tifa: Ok! Look, do you want to fly it then?

Barret: Yeah, I'll do that. (trades seats with Tifa) (looks at controls) Yuffie, how the _hell_ do you not know how to fly this thing?

Yuffie: Huh?

Barret: There are two buttons on this panel. Fly and Land. 

Yuffie: (sweatdrops) Cid must have changed it.

Barret: Cid hasn't touched the Tiny Bronco since the Meteor incident.

Yuffie: Ninjas aren't trained to fly planes, ok?!

Barret: Dumb brat. (presses Fly and the Tiny Bronco rises to the air)

Barret: Off to Corel!

Yuffie: It's Wutai!

Barret: Not anymore!

Yuffie: Hey, you're going the wrong way!

Barret: Too bad!

Yuffie: It's that way, moron!

Barret: I'm the one in the pilot's seat! Muahaha!

Tifa: (sigh)

(an hour and five minutes(ha, just had to be 5) later, they arrive in Wutai)

Barret: (knocked out in the back seat)

Yuffie: I think you hit him too hard, Tifa.

Tifa: I had to; he really _was_ taking us to Corel. (presses Land on the control panel)

(The Tiny Bronco smoothly lands in the town entrance, and the two get out. Barret slowly wakes up)

Barret: (yawn) Mumble, damn Dukes of… (looks around) Hey, where is we?

Tifa: Wutai, remember?

Barret: What we doing here?

Yuffie: You _definitely_ hit him too hard.

Tifa: It'll go away. Just follow us.

(Yuffie leads them across town to her dad's house. They find her dad sprawled on the floor in his bedroom, sleeping)

Yuffie: What the…? Hey dad! Wake up!

(Godo suddenly wakes up, jumps up, and throws his arms up)

Godo: (desperate) Please please! Take whatever you want, just don't hurt me!

Tifa/Yuffie/Barret: …

Godo: Oh uh… Hey.

Yuffie: Dad, come on, it's time!

Godo: Who are you?

Yuffie: (sigh) Yuffie, your daughter.

Godo: I have a daughter?

Yuffie: Come on, it's time!

Godo: Time for lunch?

Yuffie: No! My next ninja trials!

Godo: …the who?

Yuffie: The ninja trials!

Godo: (looks at her for a few seconds) That was today?

Yuffie: Don't tell me you forgot.

Godo: No, no, of course not! Uh, ok, let's head over to the trial place, shall we? (looks around for a second) Where is the trial place, again?

Yuffie: The Pagoda of the Five Mighty Gods!

Godo: Right, right, I knew that. Ok, let's go.

The group heads out of the house and over to the Pagoda. They stop at the first floor.

Godo: We begin here. You'll have five trials. Each trial will be a floor up, and harder.

Yuffie: Ok, give me my first trial.

Godo: Ok, first trial… Uh… (looks left and right) Um… Oh, I got it! Make me a sandwich.

Yuffie: What?!

Godo: Come on, get to it.

Yuffie walks out of the Pagoda, and walks back in a few minutes later with a sloppy sandwich.

Yuffie: Here.

Godo: (takes the sandwich and eats it)

The four walk up to the second floor of the Pagoda.

Pagoda: Hmm… Now I'm thirsty… I got it! Your second trial is to get me some coffee.

Yuffie: (raises eyebrow) Are you just trying to make me get you your breakfast?

Godo: Why, no, uh, of course not. It's your ninja trials.

Barret: (whispering to Tifa) It sure seems like breakfast…

Tifa: (nudges Barret) Shhh…

Godo: Now go!

Yuffie walks out of the Pagoda and comes back in a few minutes later with a cup of coffee, that, by the steam coming from it, looks way too hot.

Yuffie: (sigh) Here.

Godo: (takes the cup and drinks it all in one gulp) Hey, that's pretty go—AAAAAAAAAHHH!! MY THROAT IS ON FIRE!! HELP!! Okay, I'm all better now.

They walk up to the third floor.

Barret: (whispering to Tifa) Can we just go look for Cloud now?

Tifa: (whispering) Come on, let's stay here and support Yuffie.

Barret: (whispering) How much support does somebody need to make breakfast?!

Godo: Ok, Yuffie. Next trial. It's to uh… (thinks for a moment) Ah! Yes, bring me some ice cream.

Yuffie: This is just getting ridiculous! 

Godo: Whatever do you mean?

Yuffie: I thought you were supposed to send me on stealth missions, to retrieve a cool item, or assassinate an evil mob leader, or something.

Godo: Oh yeah, I was supposed to do that, wasn't I… I mean err, no, this is just another type of training. It's for uh… Household ninjas!

Yuffie: Give me a _real _trial this time, that is, if you ever want to see _this _again… (holds up rubber ducky)

Godo: I just saw it again.

Yuffie: Well, if you ever want to play with it again…

Godo: NO! NOT THAT! Ok ok! I'll give you a real trial, just leave Mr. Squeaky alone!

Barret: (whispering to Tifa) Godo playing with a rubber ducky. This is an unexpected development.

Tifa: (whispering to Barret) Well, playing with rubber duckies isn't as uncommon as you think… (eyes Barret)

Barret: What?! That ducky ain't mine! Like ten people live in the villa, it could be anyone's!

Tifa: (keeps eyeing Barret suspiciously for a moment)

Barret: (looks around with a look of paranoia) (not to anyone in particular) Ten people in that house… It ain't mine, it ain't mine… Ducky could be anyone's! Just 'cause it's there after I leave the bathroom doesn't mean it's mine!

Godo: Ok, are you ready for your real trial?

Yuffie: Bring it on!

Godo: Bring me back a rock from the Cosmo Canyon area, a Head Hunter's bones from the Mideel area, some metal parts from some Midgar Sweepers, and some mousse from the Costa de Sol area.

Yuffie: Right on it! (rushes out)

Barret: (whining) Tiffaaaaaaaa… she'll take days…!

Tifa: Oh, stop whining.

A WPS man(Wutai Postal Service) walks in and hands Godo a letter. Then leaves. Quickly.

Godo: Hey, it's a letter from Yuffie.

Barret: WHAT?!

Godo: (opens up and reads letter) Hey, would you look at that. She says she's been ninjanapped by Don Corneo.

Tifa: Oh no!

Barret: She had time to write and mail a _letter?_

Tifa: Barret, we've gotta save Yuffie!

Barret: A letter?!

(at the hand of the Da-chao statue, Tifa and Barret find Yuffie strapped to the same exact place as last time, and Don at the same exact place as before)

Tifa: Yuffie!

Yuffie: Guys!

Don Corneo: I see you have arrived. But, how did you guess I was here?

Tifa: We suspected you'd be here.

Barret: You're pretty stupid, holding the same person hostage at the same exact place.

Tifa: We set up matresses down there, so Yuffie won't be hurt if you drop her.

Yuffie: Woo, go guys!

Don Corneo: Well, uh... (throws rock down onto the matresses) HA! Now she'll hit that rock on the impact. And it'll hurt... a little.

Everyone: ...

Don Corneo: I'm screwed, aren't I?

Barret: (brings up gun-arm) Let her go, now!

Don Corneo: (nervously) Think fast… think fast…

Voice from above: aaaaaaaaaaahhh…

Tifa: What's that? (looks up)

Voice from above: aaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAHHHHH…

Tifa: BARRET, WATCH OUT!

Cloud: (falls on top of Barret) Hey, thanks for breaking my fall, Barret.

Tifa: Cloud?!

Cloud: Aww, you found me.

Tifa: What?!

Cloud: Hide and Seek, remember? I was hiding at the top of this statue, but then I slipped and fell…

Barret: x_x

Yuffie: Barret's out again…

Don Corneo: Hahaha! Now that Barret's out, you can't reach me! I'm all the way over here!

Cloud: (throws a rock at Don)

Don Corneo: OW! MY EYE! What did you do that for?!

Cloud: Let Yuffie go! (throws another rock)

Don Corneo: OW! Stop that!

Cloud: Let her go!! (throws another rock)

Don Corneo: OW!! Please stop!

Cloud: Only if you let her go!

Don Corneo: Look, can't I just keep her for one night?

Cloud: No!

Don Corneo: Just a few hours, then!

Cloud: No!

Don Corneo: Just a measly hour!

Cloud: No!

Don Corneo: Thirty minutes is all I ask!

Cloud: No!

Don Corneo: FIVE MINUTES! Five little minutes!

Cloud: Well, I guess that seems harmless enoug--

Yuffie: CLOUD!

Cloud: I mean, no!

Don Corneo: (looks around in a panic) You'll never catch me, you demons! (jumps off cliff) (lands on matress) OW!! Blasted rock.

Yuffie: Phew, I'm saved. (straps are released) (falls) AAAAAAAHH!!!

Tifa/Cloud: YUFFIE!

Yuffie plummets down and falls on top of Don, and is knocked back up by the bounciness of his belly. She lands safely on top of Barret.

Yuffie: He's a trampoline for cryin' out loud.

Don Corneo: Shut up!

Tifa: Guys, we have to catch him to make sure he doesn't pull anything again!

Don Corneo: (stands up and dusts self off) (suddenly gets hit by a truck out of nowhere) AAAAAAHH!! HEY, THAT'S PALMER'S JOB, DAMN IT!

Cloud: I guess we don't now.

(back at the Pagoda)

Godo: Interesting story. Well, Yuffie, for your acts of courage in such a situation, you pass the trials.

Yuffie: Yay!

Tifa: Acts of courage?

Godo: Now let me get back to sleep… (walks out of the Pagoda)

Yuffie: Well, thanks guys. We can go home now.

Tifa: At least we didn't get hurt.

Barret: zzzZZZzzz…

Cloud: Not all of us…

(they walk out of the Pagoda and start for the Tiny Bronco)

Tifa: So, Cloud, how did you get here, anyway?

Cloud: Same way I got to the Northern Crater. I walked.

Tifa: …what?

(they reach the Tiny Bronco)

Cloud: Ooh, ooh, let me drive!!

Yuffie: It's a _plane_! You fly it, not drive it.

Tifa: (throws knocked-out Barret in the backseat and gets in)

Yuffie: (gets in as well)

Cloud: (gets in the driver's seat)

Tifa: I wonder if Cid's little program is over yet…

Yuffie: (takes out bag) Urk… I hope the flight isn't long.

Cloud: How the hell do you fly this thing?

Yuffie/Tifa: …

--

-


	8. Episode 008: Dream Exploring

****

Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity

Episode #008

__

Dream Exploring

The gang is in the living room of the villa, watching late-night TV. Tifa walks out of the bedroom, yawning, already in her pajamas.

Tifa: Please, everybody, could you _please_ turn that off so I can sleep?!

Everybody: (moan) Aww… 

Reeve: But we spent all day working on adding more rooms to the villa, can't we just…

Tifa: No! Turn it off! Now!

Cloud: But Tifa… Adult Swim is on, and…

Tifa: I don't care! It's way past your bedtime already, mister! (grabs one of Cloud's ears and drags him to the bedroom)

Cid: Well, we better be gettin' ourselves in there too, unless we want _that_ to happen to us.

Yuffie: I think I saw her nails actually pierce his ear.

Barret: We best be going.

After turning off the TV, Aeris, Cid, Yuffie, Barret, Reeve, Vincent and Red XIII get up and walk tiredly towards their bedrooms. They get there, make their beds, and lay down. Almost immediately, they fall asleep. All except for Cloud.

Cloud: (thinking) Aw, I can't get to sleep. I can't stop thinking about that show I was watching… Jeez, I've been waiting _hours_ to watch that show, ever since Reeve told me about it this afternoon!

Cloud twists and turns a few times.

Cloud: (thinking) I wonder why my ear's stinging…

Finally, a few minutes later he goes to sleep. But then he wakes up again.

Cloud: Argh, I woke up already…

He goes to get up, but when he steps off the bed, he doesn't feel a floor. He falls through and slams on another floor, a long way down.

Cloud: Ow! What the…

Cloud stands up and looks around. Before him he sees his bed, and him sleeping on it!

Cloud: Hey, that's me!

He notices, however, that he (not the form on the bed) has shrunk. His bed is about five times bigger than him, and he stands about a foot from it.

Cloud: What happened to me?

He looks above the head of his form sleeping on the bed, and sees a cloud. An empty cloud.

Cloud: Hey! I got it! I was dreaming, then I fell out of my dream cloud! Wow, that's amazing! (light bulb) Hey, this small, I could watch TV without Tifa knowing. (he thinks for a minute) No, I don't think I'd be able to turn the dial. _Or_ press the button.

He walks out of his room, squeezing through the tiny opening his door provided.

Cloud: Hmm… I wonder if I could…

He runs to Aeris's room. Looking up, he notices Aeris has a dream cloud over her head, too. He slowly climbs up the side of Aeris's bed. He jumps on her head, and hops up the little cloud puffs leading to her dream cloud. When he's close enough he jumps inside.

Ow, was the first thing he thought. That hurt, was the second. Cloud stood up. He was in a kitchen.

Cloud: A kitchen? Aeris is dreaming about a kitchen?

Cloud looks around.

Cloud: Hey! This is the villa's kitchen!

Cloud looks at the floor. Aeris is sleeping on it.

Cloud: And hey! That's Aeris! (runs to Aeris) Aeris, Aeris, wake up!

Aeris: (yawns) Yeah Cloud?

Cloud: Why are you dreaming about sleeping on the floor of the kitchen?

Aeris: Huh? Oh, the kitchen… (hugs the floor) The kitchen talks to me… I can hear its voice…

Cloud: I thought that was the planet.

Aeris: The kitchen is part of the planet…

Cloud: Oh.

Aeris: So, what are you doing in my dream?

Cloud: I couldn't sleep, so I decided to explore some dream clouds.

Aeris: Yeah, that's nice… (lays back down on the floor) Try sleeping on the kitchen floor sometime, it's real… (yawn) cozy…

Cloud: Really? I never woulda guessed. Isn't it cold, though?

Aeris: zzzZZZzzz…

Cloud: Err… Ok, good night Aeris.

Cloud walks to the edge of the kitchen and jumps out. He finds himself plummeting down to the ground again. He slams hard on the floor.

Cloud: Ow. I need to be careful about getting out of those dream clouds… (looks up at Aeris's huge(compared to him) form on the gigantic(compared to him) bed in front of him) Ok, next!

Next, Cloud runs over to the Barret's room. He gets into his dream cloud the same way he did Aeris's. The first thing he hears is gunfire. Then an explosion. Then more gunfire. Cloud looks around to see that he is in the middle of a ruined wasteland. The ground is just dirt and mud; he can see no plants anywhere.

There are explosions in every direction, and gunfire as well. Suddenly, a rocket flies at him. Cloud ducks the rocket; it flies past him, exploding on a hill nearby. He stands up and looks around.

Cloud: What is this?! War?!

He gets knocked down by someone, right before another rocket flies past him, exploding on another hill.

Barret: You FOO'! This is war! You're just gonna stand around here in no-man's land until you get blown to smithereens?!

Cloud: Barret! This is your dream?!

Barret: DREAM?! Damn it, I told the President to get me some good men this time, and he sends me day dreamers?! This isn't no dream, foo'! This is _war_! (he suddenly looks up) Watch out! (Barret pushes Cloud down and fires a round at something behind him)

Cloud looks behind him to see a dead soldier, probably one that would have shot him if Barret hadn't taken care of him.

Cloud: Barret, I think you need to stop watching those war movies.

Barret: Barret?! That's Lieutenant Wallace to you, soldier.

Cloud: So, what are you fighting for, anyway?

Barret: What?

Cloud: What are you fighting for?

Barret: I uh… (looks around) I don't know. The President just said to grab the nearest gun and shoot some stuff down, and blow some stuff up.

Cloud: What for?!

Barret: Okay, look, I just did what I was told, okay?! (cries)

Cloud: Oh man, your dreams are weird.

Barret: (sniff) If only this was just a dream…

Cloud: It is.

Barret: (sniff) Then pinch me and wake me up.

Cloud: (pinches Barret)

Barret: OW! (rubs his arm) That's gonna leave a mark, you jerk!

Cloud: Who is this President, anyway?

Barret: (pulls out a picture of a rubber ducky) President Squeaks.

Cloud: Figures. You're the one that always plays with that rubber ducky in the villa, right?

Barret: You dare insult me like that?! When I get my hands on you—(he looks behind Cloud again) Oh no! Watch out!

Boom.

Cloud went flying out of the dream cloud, once again landing face first on the floor of Barret's bedroom. Cloud stood up and wiped the dust off himself, coughing.

Cloud: Weird dream.

Now Cloud heads to Red XIII's small bedroom. This time he has an easier time getting to Red's dream cloud, seeing as how Red sleeps on the floor. Once in, Cloud immediately ducks and covers, expecting to be hit by something.

Then he sees he's in a library, with bookshelves towering over his head, and rows of them that seemed endless. He hears some classical music in the background too.

Red XIII: Oh, an unexpected visit.

Cloud turns around and sees Red XIII standing on two feet, wearing a tux, and holding a glass of champagne.

Cloud: Hey Red! You're bipedal now?

Red XIII: Alas, this is but a quirk of dreaming. You don't really have to be true to your real life counterpart.

Cloud: What's with the accent?

Red XIII: Another quirk.

Cloud : Ohh…

They start walking along the bookshelves.

Red XIII: I would offer you a drink, but I seem to only have one glass in my dreams. Always…

Cloud: What are with the bookshelves?

Red XIII: You see, I have a great desire, and love for learning. Each book here represents a day's worth of studying I have done. As you can see, I have learned many interesting things.

Cloud: Wow… Each book is a day, huh?

Cloud looks around. He is surrounded by endless rows of bookcases, containing several dozen books each.

Cloud: There's gotta be, _at least_, twenty or thirty books here.

Red XIII: …

Cloud: How do you remember all this stuff?

Red XIII: My species has a brain more developed than the humans'. We have an easier time learning and remembering data, facts, and otherwise handy information.

Cloud: We? But isn't there only one of you?

Red XIII: Ah yes, I have not introduced my dear dream-wife. Pardon me.

Another of Red's species, one that looks like the female version of Red in Cloud's opinion, walked out from behind one of the bookshelves.

Red XIII: Allow me to introduce, Blue XXXI.

Blue XXXI: A pleasure, I am sure.

Cloud: …

Cloud: Wow, that's weird. But she's red like you, you know.

Red XIII: Alas, it is not I who hath chosen the name.

Blue XXXI: He is right. Twas my dear crazy scientist master who gave me this name.

Red XIII: Another trait we share.

Red & Blue: Ha ha ha ha ha…

Cloud: …right. So, can I take a look at one of these books? (reaches for a book)

Red XIII: No, Cloud, don't…!

As soon as Cloud touches the book, a trap opens under him and he plummets out of the dream cloud and back to the floor. This time, however, he falls on (real) Red's head, breaking his fall.

Cloud: What was _that_ all about…

Next Cloud encounters the bedroom of Reeve. As soon as he enters his dream cloud, he is up to his neck in wires.

Cloud: Gah…!

Cloud tries to swim through the wires. Eventually, he's able to get out of them. He runs into Reeve, sitting at a desk typing on his computer.

Cloud: Reeve?

Reeve: Oh hey, Cloud.

Cloud: What are all those wires for?

Reeve: Oh, I'm just making a little something.

Cloud: _Little_?!

Reeve: Yeah, it's actually pretty simple.

Cloud: Then why the ten thousand wires?!

Reeve: …I just told you.

Cloud: Whatever. Well, good luck on it.

Reeve: Yeah, thanks.

Cloud: Nothing for me to do here, so I'll be going. (starts to walk)

Reeve: Okay, but before you go, can you just hand me that C++ book?

Cloud: Where?

Reeve: Over there.

Cloud: All I see is wires.

Reeve: It must be somewhere in the wires. Can you find it for me?

Cloud: No!

Reeve: Aw, come on, Cloud.

Cloud: (sigh) Alright, alright…

Cloud dives into the wires and searches around for a long time, but isn't able to find anything.

Cloud: I can't find it!

Reeve: Search harder!

Cloud searches around for another long time, but still finds no book. He jumps out of the mess of wires.

Cloud: Argh, I can't find it, Reeve!

Reeve: Oh, would you look at that. It was on my desk the whole time.

Cloud: …

Reeve: Sorry, Cloud.

Cloud: I'm gonna go. And don't ask me for favors again. Ever. Bye.

Cloud looks around. He is surrounded by wires.

Cloud: I can't get out from the sides, so I guess I have to go down…

He looks down, takes a deep breath and jumps. He's able to pierce through the dream cloud's floor and fall back down into the real world.

Cloud: (after dusting himself) I never really liked computers anyway… Could never figure out how to turn them on…

Cloud jogs to the next bedroom. He sees it is Yuffie's.

Cloud: Now this one's gonna have something to do with Materia.

After entering Yuffie's dream cloud, he finds he's in the middle of an endlass grassy plain with a shining sun.

Cloud: Paradise?

Oh, and it was raining Materia.

Cloud: Holy crap, it's raining Materia!

Yeah, it is.

Yuffie: Wee~

Cloud: Yuffie?

Cloud spots Yuffie, dancing around merrily in the shower of Materia. She lays down on the ground and makes Materia angels.

Yuffie: Weeeee~…

Cloud: Hey, Yuffie! (walks over to her)

Yuffie: (eyes snap open) Cloud?! What are you doing here?!

Cloud: Oh, see, I couldn't sleep so I went exploring some—

Yuffie: YOU CAN'T HAVE MY MATERIA!! (scoops up an armful of Materia off the ground and casts dozens of offensive spells on Cloud at the same time)

Cloud: (a blackened crisp) …dream clouds…

Yuffie: The Materia's mine!!

Cloud: Okay, Yuffie, sorry I was just— (starts walking away)

Yuffie: You nabbed some when you got up didn't you?! (chases Cloud)

Cloud: ACK! (starts running)

Yuffie casts spells on Cloud while chasing him, Cloud yelling "Ow" each time one hits him.

Cloud: I gotta get outta here!

Yuffie: Not with my Materia you won't!!

Cloud: I don't have any of your Materia!!

Yuffie: And what's that in your pocket?!

Cloud: My comb?!

Yuffie: Your other pocket!!

Cloud looks back to his pocket (while running) and sees a Materia.

Cloud: Is that what this's about?! Then take it! I don't want it! (throws Materia back at Yuffie, who stops chasing him once she grabs it) 

Cloud runs like a maniac to the edge of the dream cloud, and jumps out as soon as he reaches it.

Cloud: (full of band-aids and blackened scorch marks on his skin) Talk about paranoia.

Next up, Cloud heads to Cid's room.

Cloud: I hope this one's normal, at least.

Cloud enters the dream cloud and immediately realizes he's in the sky, and falling fast.

Cloud: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!

Then he hits something. When the sits up he realizes he slammed into the back of a small airplane. The Tiny Bronco!

Cid: You damn lucky I was here at the right time.

Cloud: Cid! Thanks, I owe you one.

Cid: We're not out of the woods yet.

Cloud: Huh?

Cid: Look behind us.

Cloud turns around, to see several hundred fighter planes coming after them.

Cloud: HOLY MOTHER NUT!

Cid: This is nothing, kid. Last time I faced over a thousand.

Cloud: So this is what you dream about?!

Cid: It's not possible in real life, so why not dream it? Ok, they're coming.

Cid turns the plane around to face his attackers. For several minutes he skillfully dodges the hundreds of missiles being shot at him while shooting down all the planes in sight (while Cloud grips onto his seat for dear life). After a while, only one enemy fighter plane is left.

Cid: Ha! Just one left. All I got to do is kill this one and it'll be my 50th straight successful dream.

Cid starts flying towards the fighter.

Cloud: Oh my God I can't take it anymore! (jumps up and starts pressing buttons on Cid's control panel) Get me out of here!!

Cid: The hell?! Cloud, sit down! Stop pressing those!

Cid's able to elbow Cloud in the jaw, sending him to the backseat again.

Cid: Alright, now for the fighter pl—

He turns around and comes face to face with a missile.

Cid: Oh @#$%.

The Tiny Bronco blows up and Cid and Cloud are sent flying away.

Cid: DAMN IT CLOUD! I'LL Get youuuuuuuuuu…….. (disappears over the horizon)

Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHH!! (plummets down towards the endless ocean below)

Cloud: I'm gonna die! (splashes through the ocean, falling face first on the real world's floor)

He stands up and dusts himself off.

Cloud: Oh yeah, it was just a dream… I'm dry, too! Cool!

Shrugging, Cloud walks on. The next bedroom he enters is a dark one. He realizes it is Vincent's bedroom.

Cloud: Oh man, this dream's going to be a weird one.

Cloud hesitantly enters Vincent's dream cloud. He finds himself in a white place. It is all white, as far as he can see. Then he sees Vincent, crawled up into a ball next to him, and across from Vincent, a small Barret plushie doll.

Cloud: Vincent, are you okay?

Vincent: (looks up with one eye) The plushie… it, it's stalking me…

Cloud: Huh? (looks at the harmless, motionless Barret plushie) Man, Barret really traumatized you that time, huh?

Cloud walks over to the plushie doll and gets down next to it.

Cloud: Kinda cute, though.

Plushie: FOO'! Who you calling cute?! (picks up Cloud and slams him on the ground) (goes back to being motionless)

Cloud: OW! (stands up and hides behind Vincent) What the hell was _that_?!

Vincent: I told you…

Cloud: Wha?

Vincent: (horrified) The plushie… it thirsts… for _blood_!

Cloud: …

Cloud stands up and walks to the plushie again.

Cloud: What, this harmless little cute plushie? Naw.

Plushie: FOO'! (picks up Cloud and throws him 50 feet in the air)

Cloud: AAAARRRGGGHHH!! (painfully slams into the "ground", making a ten-foot deep hole) (climbs out of the hole all hurt and bandaged) (hides behind Vincent again) What the hell was _that_?!

Vincent: You stupid… stay away… from it…

Cloud: Hey Vince, why don't you try talking to it? (pulls Vince up to a standing position and pushes him towards the plushie)

Vincent: NOOO!!

Plushie: Chicken leg! (bites onto Vincent's leg)

Vincent: ARGH!! GET IT OFF ME!! HELP!! (flails around trying to get the plushie off)

Cloud: Calm down, Vincent! It's only a plushie.

Vincent: (in massive pain) It's gritting its teeth! Oh, the pain! The agony! The _humanity_ of it all!

Cloud: So you're an actor now. Nice drama! (claps)

Vincent: (in massive agony) This is for real, you moron!!

Cloud: What?

Vincent: (in massive humanity of it all) Youstupidohdamnthishurtsowowow!!

Cloud: Talk slower, I can't understand you.

Vincent: HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL!! (slams into Cloud while flailing)

Cloud goes flying out of the dream cloud. After landing he dusts himself off yet again. Then he laughs.

Cloud: That Vincent. Ha ha, always exaggerating.

He walks out of the bedroom, and looks around.

Cloud: Only one bedroom to go. Tifa's.

He makes his way to said person's bedroom. Quickly, he enters it and heads straight for said person's dream cloud. Immediately after getting in, he finds himself in a house and spots said person.

Cloud: Said person!

Tifa: Huh?

Cloud: Err, I mean, Tifa!

Tifa: Hey Cloud.

Cloud: (looking around) Where… are we?

Tifa: Nibelheim, don't you remember?

Cloud realizes he's in Tifa's house, in the kitchen. Tifa stands by the sink making some coffee.

Cloud: Oh yeah!

Tifa: Want some coffee?

Cloud sits down at the kitchen table and sees that it's filled with food.

Cloud: Wow! So in your dreams you can actually cook!

Tifa: ("aciddently" spills the boiling coffee on Cloud's lap)

Cloud: Dear God it burns!!

Tifa: Oopsie. How clumsy of me. Here, have some tea to soothe the pain. ("spills" that too)

Cloud: I can't feel my legs!!

Tifa: Aww, don't be a crybaby.

She walks over to the sink to make more coffee and tea.

Tifa: So, how goes things?

Cloud: (whisper) Painful.

Tifa: It's only a dream, it'll pass.

She walks over to the window and looks outside.

Tifa: Too bad in real life our original town was burned down. It was built again, but not it's not the same. At least here, in my dream, it's intact.

Cloud: Must… escape… from… crazy woman's… house… (limps through the kitchen, towards the door) (knocks over a lamp, which breaks and sets the floor on fire)

Cloud: FIRE!!

Tifa: Cloud, what did you do?!

The two run outside the burning building and watch in horror as the flames spread throughout the whole village. There are screams from villagers coming from everywhere as they try unsuccessfully to put out the fires.

Tifa: (stares darkly at Cloud)

Cloud: Eep.

Tifa: Nibelheim was burned down in real life, now you burn it down in my dream too?!

Cloud: I'm sorry, I was just—

Tifa: Die!! (performs several bone-breaking techniques)

Cloud: (all broken) Ouchies.

Tifa: I'm not done yet!

Cloud: (tries to crawl away(legs broken)) HELP ME SOMEBODY!!

Tifa: (picks up Cloud and throws him off Mt. Nibel)

Cloud: (flies straight towards a pointy boulder) Oh no! I'm going to be impaled! (closes eyes) If only this was just…

His eyes snap open and he sits up from his bed.

Cloud: …a dream.

He looks around. He's himself again! In his bedroom! His alarm clock reads 7:21AM.

Cloud: So it _was_ just a dream.

Then his door opens and there stands Tifa.

Tifa: Breakfast is ready!

Cloud: AAAAAHH!! GET AWAY FROM ME!! (runs out of the house like a maniac)

Barret: (sitting on the couch watching TV) The hell was his problem?

Tifa: I don't know. He didn't even have a bite to eat.

Tifa walks to the door and watches as Cloud's form gets smaller and smaller on the horizon.

Tifa: Something I said?

--

-


	9. Episode 009: Be My Valentine

****

**Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity**  
  
Episode #009  
  
_Be My Valentine_

TV: Yes, and it is the season to be jolly folks. Ho ho ho, it's the time for giving.

Barret: It's Valentine's Day, not Christmas, ya dumb foo'!

TV: And now we leave you off with the Valentine's Day Dukes of Hazzard special.

Cid: (on phone) @#$%! No, I said I'm busy today! Don't make me @#$(%&* repeat it! Oh great, look, it's started! Sorry, I got to go Shera! (hangs up and fixes eyes on the TV)

Barret: Well, _that_ was kind of cold…

Cid: Shh!

Barret: Whatever. I'm outta here. (walks out of the house)

Cloud walks out of his bedroom. He stretches for a moment, yawning. Then Aeris comes running in from the kitchen and pounces on him.

Aeris: Cloud! Cloud! Will you be my valentine?!

Cloud: Ow! You're hurting me, Aeris! Ok, ok, I will.

Aeris: Yay! (gets off Cloud) How about we meet at the Menifold's at 8:00?

Cloud: (gets up and dusts self off) Sure thing!

Aeris: Yay times two! (runs off happily)

Cloud: Phew.

Just then, Tifa also comes running in, from the basement. She also pounces on Cloud.

Cloud: Argh! Not again!

Tifa: Cloud! Cloud! Can you be my valentine?!

Cloud: Ok, yes, I can, just please get off!

Tifa: Hurray! (gets off Cloud) How about we meet at the Tropicasy at 7:45?

Cloud gets up, slower this time, and dusts himself off again, rubbing his sore arm.

Cloud: Sure thing!

Tifa: Yippie! (runs off happily)

Cloud calmly walks over to the couch and sits down, watching TV peacefully for a few moments.

Cloud: Wow, I just had a feeling of Deja-vu. Wonder why.

He sits for a few more moments, then suddenly it hits him; the realization of what he just did.

Cloud: Oh no! I marked two dates with Aeris and Tifa, fifteen minutes apart!

Cid: … (watching TV)

Cloud: Cid, you gotta help me, man!

Cid: mumble mumble (trance)

Red: (walking in the room) You have a problem?

Cloud: Red! Can _you_ help me?!

Red: What seems to be the problem?

Cloud: I just accidentally marked two dates at basically the same time. At seven forty-five I'm meeting Tifa at the Tropicasy, then at eight I'm supposed to see Aeris at Menifold's!

Red: Can't you just cancel one of them? Or tell one of the girls that you can't make it?

Cloud: I can' do that, Red… I don't wanna break their hearts! It is Valentine's Day, after all.

Red: (lowering head) Yes, blasted holiday.

Cloud: Huh?

Red: Oh nothing. Just that… Well, nobody wants to be the valentine of a big, red, talking lion.

Cloud: Aww… If I didn't already have one… or two, rather… I'd be your valentine, Red!

Red: Um… Thanks, Cloud.

Cloud: Anyway, what should I do?

Red: Well… You don't want to cancel the dates, so I guess the only option is to show up at both.

Cloud: But how?!

Red: Actually, the two restaurants, Menifold's and Tropicasy, aside from being the best restaurants in Costa de Sol, are right across the street from each another. With some careful timing and believable excuses, you could pull it off.

Cloud: But… I don't know if I can…

Red: Don't worry, I'll help you out. Here, take this and put it in your ear.

Cloud: What's this?

Red: A small receiver. Whenever I talk into this walkie-talkie, you'll hear me. I'll set it low enough so that only you'll be able to hear. And take this too. It's a small microphone that you should be able to tuck in your shirt or something and use to contact me if you need to talk.

Cloud: Wow! Thanks!

Red: I'll be hiding outside the restaurants, behind some bushes or something.

Cloud: Thanks, pal!

Red: Yeah, well, it's not like I have anything better to do…

(later that night, hidden outside the two restaurants…)

Red: Okay Cloud, it's 7:48. Tifa has arrived at Tropicasy.

Cloud: Okay, I'm going in.

Cloud emerges from behind the protective brushes they were hiding behind and starts walking towards the restaurant. He quickly enters it and looks around for their table. Spotting Tifa, he makes his way towards her.

Cloud: Sorry for the delay, Tifa.

Tifa: Oh, that's okay Cloud.

Cloud nervously sits down, but sits too much on the edge of the chair, and so he slips, falling on top of the table and breaking it, along with all the glasses and whatever else was on the table. Everyone's attention is turned to the ruckus. He gets up and dusts himself off.

Cloud: (to all) It's cool, it's cool. I'm ok!

The manager shows up to see what everyone is gawking at and gasps at the destruction.

Manager: What is going on here?!

Cloud: Oh, I kinda broke your stuff. Sorry. Could you get us another table?

(back outside the restaurant)

Red: What's going on in there? Don't tell me he's screwed something up already. (tries to look through binoculars, but can't, due to not having hands) Argh.

Red: (through his walkie-talkie) Cloud, is everything all right?

Cloud: (through the receiver) (whispering) Well, I sort of broke some stuff here. But the manager is fixing us up with another table.

Red: (slaps forehead with paw) Oh jeez…

(back in the restaurant, Cloud and Tifa sit at their new table)

Cloud: Yeah, thanks.

Manager: Be careful from now on, you table hazard.

Cloud: So, Tifa…

Tifa: (smiles) Yes?

Cloud: Umm…

Red: (through receiver in Cloud's ear) Tell her something nice.

Cloud: (thinking) I need to ask Red… But first Tifa has to look away…

Cloud: Hey Tifa, look at that. (points behind her)

Tifa turns around and looks in the direction he pointed.

Tifa: Look at what?

Cloud: (whispering in hidden microphone) Something nice? Like what?

Red: (through receiver) Uh… You look very nice in that dress.

Cloud: I'm not even wearing a dress, Red!

Tifa: (turns back after hearing Cloud say something) What? What about Red?

Cloud: (realizing he spoke too loud) I mean uh… I said…

Red: (through receiver) Not _you,_ her!

Cloud: Oh… You look very nice in that dress, Tifa.

Tifa: Cloud, this isn't a dress.

Cloud: Well, uh, how about we order then!

(outside restaurant, in Red's bush haven)

Red: He needs a miracle to pull this off, honestly…

Then he sees someone stopping at Menifold's.

Red: Can that be…?

Red squints and confirms.

Red: That's Aeris! Aeris has arrived!

Red: (talking in walkie-talkie) Cloud, Aeris has arrived at Menifold's!

(inside Tropicasy)

Red: (through receiver) She's already at the table. You need to go meet her.

Cloud: (whispering in microphone) Ok.

Tifa: (looks up from the menu) What?

Cloud: Hey Teef, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Order something good for me, ok?

Tifa: But Cloud…

Cloud: Be right back. (starts walking towards bathroom to fake Tifa) (turns around and leaves the restaurant when Tifa isn't looking)

Cloud quickly crosses the street and enters Menifold's. He spots Aeris at her table and makes a beeline for it.

Cloud: Hey Aeris!

Aeris: Hey Cloud… Are you okay? You seem nervous.

Cloud: N-No, I'm not! (goes to sit down again…)

(outside the restaurants, hidden)

Red: (sees some ruckus over at Menifold's) What is it now…?

Red: (talking into walkie-talkie) Cloud, what happened over there?

Cloud: (through receiver) Uh… heh heh, I accidently broke another table.

Red: (to no one in particular) I take it back. Not even a miracle will help him.

(back in Menifold's, at Cloud and Aeris's new table)

Cloud: Oh! Hey Aeris, you look very nice in that dress.

Aeris: (smiles) Thanks, Cloud. (takes out a small little box) Here, I got this for you.

Red: (through receiver) A present?! You never said anything about presents!

Cloud: Neither did they!

Aeris: They who?

Cloud: Err… never mind. (takes Aeris's gift)

Cloud opens the little box and sees that it's a gold ring with a "C" imprinted in it.

Cloud: Aeris… Thank you…

Aeris: (smiles) You're welcome.

Cloud: (looks at the gift dumbfounded) (notices Aeris is staring at him) …what?

Aeris: So… what did you get me?

Cloud: W-What did I get y-you, you ask…!

Red: (through receiver) Bail out! Say you're going to the bathroom and think about it later!

Cloud: I got you something real good! But I have to uh… put some finishing touches on it. I'm going to the bathroom, be right back.

Aeris: The bathroom?!

Cloud: Yeah, uh… Oh, and order something good for us while I'm gone. Bye. (walks off quickly)

Red: (through receiver) Cloud, Tifa is getting restless. You need to go see her now.

Cloud: Ok. (sneaks out of the restaurant and heads over to Tropicasy, then straight for Tifa)

Cloud: Sorry for the delay.

Tifa: That's okay. Barret's cooking really does give stomach-aches.

Cloud: Huh? Oh, hah, right!

Tifa: Hey, what's that?

Cloud: What's what? (realizes he's holding Aeris's gift in his hands) Oh, this!

Cloud: (thinking) Crap, what do I do now?

Cloud: Umm… This is… your gift, Tifa.

Cloud: (thinking) What am I doing?!

Tifa: (gasp) Really?!

Cloud gives her the little box and she opens it, smiling.

Tifa: Thanks, Clou—wait, why is there a "C" on it?

Cloud: Oh! The "C"! It stands for, uh…

Red: (through receiver) Chocolate! Craterite! Chocobo!

Cloud: Chocobo! Yeah, that's it! I know you like chocobos, so, the "C" stands for "chocobo."

Tifa: Aww… That's so beautiful. 

Tifa reaches down and also takes out a wrapped up gift.

Tifa: Here, this is yours. (hands the gift to him)

Cloud: Thanks! (grabs it but doesn't do anything with it)

Tifa: (anxious) Aren't you gonna open it?

Red: (through receiver) Say you're a miserable bum who has nothing to look forward to tomorrow so you'll wait to open it then.

Cloud: Oh, well, uh, I'm a miserable bum!

Tifa: (looks at him weird)

Cloud: And uh, I have nothing to look forward to doing tomorrow, so by opening it tomorrow, this will give me something… to look forward to?

Tifa: (understanding face) Aww… That's so beautiful…

Cloud: (puts gift in pocket) Yeah.

A waiter comes by and gives them the food Tifa ordered. Cloud looked down at his plate.

Cloud: Head Hunter steak, eh?

Tifa: What's wrong? I thought you liked it.

Cloud: Oh, nothing, it's just that… I think I killed this one. Lookit, it has sword wounds.

Tifa: Hey, it does.

Cloud looks at Tifa's plate and is shocked.

Cloud: Chocobo steak?!

Tifa: Yeah.

Cloud: But didn't you like chocobos?!

Tifa: Yeah. They're good. (starts eating chocobo steak)

Red: (through receiver) Cloud, the food has already arrived at Menifold's. Aeris is waiting for you to start eating, it seems.

Cloud: (puts glass in front of his mouth to fake like he's drinking) (whispering into hidden microphone) What do I do about Aeris's present?

Red: (through receiver) I don't know, but you have to get there. She doesn't look very happy.

Cloud: Um, Tifa, I'm feeling that stomach-ache again. I'll be right back.

Tifa: Sure thing.

Cloud gets up and heads for the bathroom, waiting for Tifa to look away so he can leave the restaurant. But she doesn't. And so, as to not look suspicious, he really does enter the bathroom.

Cloud: Damn, she just didn't take her eyes off me.

Cloud looks around and spots a window.

Cloud: My escape route!

Cloud climbs up and starts trying to squeeze through the window. Suddenly, the manager enters the bathroom and spots him.

Manager: Hey you, you're trying to leave without paying the bill?!

Cloud: (stops, half of his body already outside) Um, no.

Manager: Yes you are, get down from there.

Cloud: But I left the restaurant before and no one said anything.

Manager: That's because you didn't have your food yet. Now come here!

Cloud: I must go! (squeezes the rest of the way through and falls out)

Manager: (from inside bathroom) I'll get you!

Cloud circles back around the restaurant and heads across the street to Menifold's. But before entering…

Cloud: (into microphone) Red, what do I do about Aeris's gift?

Red: (through receiver) I don't know, just give her something. Like Tifa's gift.

Cloud: (into microphone) I already gave Tifa Aeris's gift, now you want me to give Aeris Tifa's gift? Would that work?

Red: (through receiver) Hold on, there's a bum coming my way.

Cloud: (into microphone) Red?

He gets no reply.

Cloud: Well, here goes nothing…

Cloud enters Menifold's and sits down at Aeris's table.

Cloud: Hey, Aeris.

Aeris: Um, Cloud, you said you went to the bathroom, right?

Cloud: Yeah.

Aeris: So why did you just walk in from the front door?

Cloud: Urp! (whispering) Red, help me!

Red: (through receiver, but apparently to someone else, and drunk) Thet's sum good ale, mans!

Cloud: Um, um, well Aeris, uh… Oh, here's your gift! (takes out Tifa's gift from his pocket)

Aeris: Ooh! (takes it) Can I open it?

Cloud: Actually, I'd prefer if you didn—

Aeris: Ok! (destroys the wrapping paper) …Hair gel and deodorant?

Cloud: Oh! Heh, would you look at that?

Aeris: Are you saying I'm smelly and have bad hair?

Cloud: (nervously) Why don't we start eating, eh?

Manager: There you are!

Cloud: Hey, wait, you manager both restaurants?

Manager: Well, yes. Err, anyway, guards, get him!

(at Tropicasy)

Tifa: Jeez, where is that Cloud… I've already finished my plate _and _his. Barret's cooking isn't bad enough to keep him in the bathroom _this _long.

Then she hears people murmuring, and sees them pointing at something outside. She looks, curious, and sees a man running from a bunch of guards. It's Cloud!

Tifa: Cloud?!

Tifa runs outside.

(outside)

Cloud: Argh! (slams on the ground as a dozen guards jump on him)

Aeris: I didn't even know restaurants had such security.

Manager: Now are you gonna pay, or are you going to jail?!

Cloud: (into mic) Help me Red!

(behind the bushes)

Red: (passed out from drinking)

Abadenizer: (next to red, also passed out)

(back on the street)

Tifa: (arriving at the scene) Cloud? What's going on, why are you out here?

Aeris: Tifa? What are you doing here?

Tifa: Um, Cloud, care to explain?

Cloud: Err… (laughs nervously) It was a little mix up... I accepted both of your dates and only realized it later.

Aeris: Well gee, that clears up a lot of things.

Tifa: Well Cloud, you're gonna have to choose. One of us will go home, the other can stay with you. Come on, choose.

Cloud: What?! (looks around at the guards and the Manager)

Guard: You're on your own, buddy.

Manager: Leave him, I think the girls will punish him better than I can.

Cloud: Do I _have _to pick?

Aeris & Tifa: Yes!

Cloud: Umm…

Cloud thinks for a moment.

Cloud: I… can't decide.

Aeris & Tifa: (both take out a knife) Well, then…

Cloud: ARGH! Call the cops! Send me to jail! At least that's safe! (grabs onto the Manager for dear life)

Manager: Happy Valentine's Day, kid.

(back behind the bushes)

Red: (sleep-talking) Hello, my dear Blue XXXI…

--

-


	10. Episode 010: Sundry Run

****

**Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity  
  
**Episode #010_  
  
Sundry Run_

Red opens his eyes slowly. He feels a massive headache.

Red XIII: Whoa, major hangover. Where am I?

After a moment, he looks around. He realizes it's early morning and... he's in a small plane? He jumps so high from surprise that he would have fallen out of it if Abadenizer hadn't grabbed him.

Abadenizer: Calm down.

Cid: (sitting in the pilot's seat) What the #%^@ is going on back there?!

Red XIII: Cid? Where are we? Where are we going? What happened?

Abadenizer: (to Cid) You wanna explain?

Cid: No, you explain.

Abadenizer: Aw, go ahead and expl...

Cid: I SAID YOU #$%@&#$ EXPLAIN!

Abadenizer: Alright, alright jeez. But give me a cig first.

Cid: mumble (hands Abadenizer a cig over his shoulder)

Abadenizer: Ok, so what happened was, we were out cold on the street...

Red XIII: Yeah, that was some good ale.

Abadenizer: ...and Cid came by and picked us up and put us in this plane...

Red XIII: The Tiny Bronco?

Abadenizer: ...yes, and now we're flying to Rocket Town.

Red XIII: But... why?

Abadenizer: Cid was saying something about a new "dirty house" that opened up...

Cid: WHAT?! I said I was going to search for Shera! Where'd you get that crazy idea?!

Abadenizer: Well, I'd say it's not completely out of your league... I mean, I've heard you tried to rent porn one time, didn't you?

Cid: That was _all_ Vincent's idea! We would have succeeded though, if it wasn't for the meddling age limit and your stupid dog.

Red XIII: A dog?

Cid: I meant... forget it.

Abadenizer: Oh right, I remember. Apparently, Shera hasn't been answering any of Cid's calls, ever since he ignored her yesterday.

After seeing Red's confused face...

Abadenizer: You do remember what day yesterday was, right?

Red XIII: Um... green.

Abadenizer: Some damn good ale.

Red XIII: No wait, violet!

Abadenizer: _Anyway_, it was Valentine's day.

Red XIII: But what do we have to do with any if this? Why's he bringing us along?

Abadenizer: I've tried asking him before, but all he says is...

Cid: $#@%@$% QUIET BACK THERE!!

Abadenizer: That. (sigh)

(Meanwhile, back in Costa de Sol)

Barret: (rolling about on a cardboard box, trying to cover himself with newspapers) Zzz...

Bum-Beside-Barret: Hey, man! You're hogging the newspaper!

Barret wakes up at this, and the two struggle with the newspaper until it finally rips in two. Then they each take their ripped halves and turn away from each other, trying to sleep again. Right when Barret is about to find peaceful sleep...

Tifa & Aeris: Barret?!

Barret: (jumps up from fright) What what, I didn't do it, it was him! (points to bum sleeping next to him, then notices he's talking to Tifa an Aeris) Oh, uh, hey.

Aeris: Barret, _what are you doing?_

Barret: Uh... sleeping!

Aeris: No, why are you out here on the streets?

Barret: Well, I was feeling adventurous yesterday so I took a night on the town and by 2:00AM I was so far away from home I decided to sleep out.

Tifa: Barret, the villa is _across the street!_

Barret: Oh...

Aeris: We were looking for you.

Barret: How come?

Tifa: You have a visitor.

Barret, Aeris, and Tifa walk across the street to the villa. They enter.

Barret: Say, where's Cloud?

Aeris: He's at the hospital.

Barret: What happened?

Tifa: Uh... several deep stab wounds.

Aeris: He slipped and fell in the kitchen.

Tifa: Yeah, completely by accident.

Barret: I see. So, where's my visitor?

Aeris: Hold on, we'll get him.

Aeris and Tifa disappear down the basement, and moments later they come back out with a figure that is very familiar...

Mr. T: THERE YOU IS, YOU FOO'!

Barret: The hell?!

Aeris: Barret, this is Mr. T.

Barret: I think you brought a mirror by mistake.

Tifa: No. He looks a lot like you.

Mr. T: NO NO NO and NO! _He _looks like _me!_ I'm the one that came first! I was busting foo's up long before he was climbing up Shiny Golden Wires of Hope!

Barret: The what now?

Mr. T: COME HERE FOO'!

Barret: ARGH!

Barret runs out of the villa desperately, Mr. T. right behind him. Barret runs into Reeve, who was carrying several grocery bags, causing them all to fall. But Barret doesn't stop, he keeps on running.

Reeve: Hey, Barret! Watch where you're going!

He starts to collect his groceries, then sees Mr. T.

Reeve: Wow! You look a lot like Barret!

Mr. T: Grrrrr!!

Mr. T knocks out Reeve running past him.

Mr. T: I'ma get you, Barret foo'!

(back in Rocket Town...)

Cid brings the Tiny Bronco down in his fenced backyard. Abadenizer and Red jump out, still a bit dizzy, and after shutting off the plane, Cid jumps out too.

Abadenizer: My mouth is really dry. Could I get some beer?

Cid: If you're thirsty, don't you want some water?

Abadenizer: It's just as effective. Besides, if I don't drink in the morning I get all twitchy.

They enter the house, and, much to Cid's unpleasant surprise, there are several people in his kitchen, sitting around the table drinking tea, like it's their house.

Cid: What the hell is this?

Generic Man: What are you guys doing in our house?

Generic Woman: Yeah, don't you have any shame?

Generic Boy: I'm hungry.

Generic Grandpa: They're those Wutai boys! They've come to get me!

Generic Man: Calm down dad, the war is over.

Generic Grandpa: They're after me I say! (tries to run away, but only succeeds in falling off his chair, resulting in a loud crack) My spleen!

Abadenizer: Just a bit paranoid, eh...

Cid: What the hell are you all talking about?! This is _my_ house! I live here with Shera!

Generic Man: Shera? Shera was the _previous _owner of this house. Now I don't know _where_ in Surrounded By Forest Town she is...

Cid: Surrounded By Forest Town?! This is Rocket Town!!

Generic Woman: The mayor decided to change the name. After all, there's no more rocket, so she thought the name didn't fit.

Red XIII: May I suggest Forest Town? It's shorter.

The Generic Man and Woman laugh.

Generic Man: That was a good one, lad. Seriously, do you think we're all idiots or something?

Red XIII: ...yes.

Cid: I don't know _what's_ going on here, but I sure don't like it!

(inside the Costa de Sol mall...)

Barret stands motionless beside some mannequins. Like them, he's wearing an extravagant dress, fancy high heels and a stylish hat. Mr. T stops in front of the store, looking around.

Mr. T: I lost the foo'! Damn!

He continues running. After a moment Barret takes off his disguise and breathes a sigh of relief, but too soon. Mr. T comes running back.

Mr. T: Ha! You think stupid meat is transparent?!

Barret: Ack!

Barret runs, Mr. T right behind him. Barret reaches an escalator and gets on. Mr. T reaches it a few seconds later. They stand still on it, looking at each other as it slowly takes them up to the next floor. Mr. T bangs the rail of the escalator.

Mr. T: Come on, damn it! Move faster!

Barret also urges the escalator to go forward.

Mr. T: Wait, what are we doing?

They pause, then realize the escalator's going the same speed for both of them. Barret starts to run up it, and Mr. T starts to chase him again. Barret reaches the top and immediately runs forward. After passing many stores he comes to a large, inflated children play-zone. It has tunnels, a castle, and several other little fun things for the kids. He goes to run in when an old man stops him.

Old Employee: Excuse me, son. How old are you? Only kids can enter.

Barret: Uh, I'm 12.

Old Employee: Oh, ok then. Take off your shoes and give them to me so I can store them.

Barret: Ok.

Barret quickly pulls off his shoes and throws them to the old man, who almost falls under the weight and size of them. Then Barret runs inside.

Old Employee: Ho ho! That boy will grow up to be tall, I say...

Just then Mr. T runs into him and knocks him down, then continues after Barret.

Old Employee: Hey, kid! You have to take your shoes off before going in! ...oh poops.

Mr. T: (looks around) Where is that foo'?

He then spots Barret half stuck in a small little tunnel.

Mr. T: Ah ha! (runs towards Barret)

Barret: Eek! (quickly scrambles through the small tunnel)

They crawl through the tunnels, knocking out several small children in the process.

Barret: You'll never get meeeeee!

Mr. T: We'll see!

Just as Mr. T is about to catch Barret, a little kid grabs one of his gold chains.

Mr. T: Hey! You don't touch my chains, you dumb little foo'! (smacks kid)

Kid: (knocked out)

Mr: T: Oops... We're not being filmed, are we?

Barret reaches the end of the tunnel and gladly crawls out. He crosses the "moat" and enters the castle, almost ripping it from his size. Mr. T comes out seconds later and follows him. They struggle through the intertwining tunnels of the castle to the top.

Mr. T: You've got nowhere to run! Now I've got you!

Mr. T walks forward to grab Barret, who backs up to the edge. The castle starts to tilt as both of their weights are concentrated on one side. Eventually it falls completely. There's a loud popping sound, and the entire inflatable playground starts to deflate until it's just a lump of plastic with dozens of crying little kids on it.

Mr. T & Barret: Oops.

Old Employee: (sees what happened) Oh poops.

(in the town hall of Surrounded by Forest Town...)

Cid: I wanna talk to who changed Rocket Town's name! Then I wanna talk to who built this town hall!

Town Hall Clerk: And you would be...? The mayor doesn't like anonymous visits.

Cid: I'm the Captain! Captain Cid!

Town Hall Clerk: Never heard of you.

Cid: Well, maybe you've heard of this! (punches the clerk)

Town Hall Clerk: Ow!

Cid: And what did you do with Shera? Don't tell me you've never heard of her, either!

Town Hall Clerk: Oh, Shera? Yeah, there's a new "dirty house" that opened up down the street, you can find her th—

Cid: (punches the clerk again)

Cid, Red, and Abadenizer run in the mayor's room to find a nicely decorated red carpet, an big impressive wooden desk(with a great view of the forest behind it through windows) and a tall red executive chair. The chair was turned away at this moment.

Cid: Hey you! You're the one that's been changing this town?!

Silence.

Cid: Show your face, you coward!

The chair turns around.

Cid & Red XIII: Yuffie?!

Yuffie: (caressing a cat on her lap) Yes, it's me... 

(at the Costa de Sol mall)

Mr. T is still chasing Barret throughout the halls, now they have several security guards after them as well. Barret sees a "Careful: Wet Floor" sign up ahead and successfully evades the wetness itself, but trips on the sign and falls over the railing. He plunges from the third floor all the way down to the first, falling in the large fountain in the center. Mr. T jumps down after him. They struggle down there for a minute.

Barret: Ok! Ok! (huff) I give up!

Mr. T: Ha!

Barret: Alright... (huff puff) You've got me...

Mr. T: Now... (pulls back fist)

Barret: (closes eyes and embraces for the punch)

Mr. T: Sign this, please.

Barret: Huh? (opens eyes and sees Mr. T holding a paper and pen) What's this? (he takes the paper(that's miraculously dry) and reads it)

By signing this I am admitting that I am a stoopyd foo' who's always been a foo', just a foo', and nothing but a foo'. Since I'm such a foo', I'm going to write my name backwards, 'cause I'm a foo'. I'm such a foo' that I misspelled "stupid" in the first sentence. It takes a big foo' to do that.

Signed: ______________________

PS: I'm a foo'.

Mr. T: Remember to sign it _backwards_.

Barret: What? This is it? I thought you were gonna kill me!

Mr. T: There are things far worse than death...

Barret: Like signing this?

Mr. T: Of course.

Barret: Well, if it gets rid of you... (signs the paper... backwards)

Mr. T: (reads it and laughs) You foo'. Ha. (goes away)

Barret: Sometimes I wonder... Is the world crazy... or am I...

(back at, once again, Rocket Town)

Yuffie: Hahahahahahahahahaha!! Stop stop! Please! HAHAHA!

Cid: Are you going to tell us?

Yuffie: Yes, I will! Please, stop! HAHAHAHA!

Cid: (stops tickle torture)

Yuffie: Ok... (takes a breather) I only did this to seize control of the Materia shops and order them to give all their Materia to me.

Cid: Why do you want so much Materia, anyway?

Yuffie: When the time is right, I'll tell you...

Cid: But why did you change the town's name?

Yuffie: I felt like it.

Cid: ...

Cid: Just cause you felt like it?

Yuffie: Well... yeah. Haven't _you_ ever done something just cause you felt like it?

Cid: ...not changing a town's name, no.

Abadenizer: Could we hurry it up with the beer? My mouth's _really _dry. I think there's a family of scorpions growing in there too.

Cid: Change the town's name back!

Yuffie: Fine, fine. So... I can keep the Materia?

Cid: As long as you don't try to take over the world with them, yes.

Yuffie: Yippie!

Red XIII: But why does no one here remember "Rocket Town"?

Yuffie: They do.

Cid: And your clerk didn't even know who Captain Cid is.

Yuffie: He's new.

Red XIII: But those people over at Cid's house showed no signs that they knew either of those things.

Yuffie: They're new, too. Just moved in today.

Cid: Into _my_ house?!

Yuffie: Have you talked to Shera yet? She has a surprise for you.

Cid: Where is she?

Yuffie: You know the dirty house down the street from here? She's there.

Cid: ...

(at the "dirty house" down the street...)

Red XIII: Can it be...? Shera was so bummed out when Cid ignored her that she became a hooker? Is this her, "surprise" to him?

Cid: We'll see about that. (barges inside the "dirty house")

Abadenizer: My mouth is hotter than Corel Prison right now. Beer would be appreciated. (twitches)

To Cid's surprise, he sees a regular house with several maids sweeping and cleaning it. There is dust and grime everywhere.

Red XIII: Oh. So _that's_ what they meant with "dirty house".

Cid: Shera?!

Shera: Oh, hey, Cid. I'm just doing a little housework...

Cid: But why? Are you a maid now?

Shera: I've been meaning to tell you. I bought this new house for us!

Cid: So those people at our other house were...?

Shera: They're new, just moved in.

Cid: Well gee, that explains a lot.

Abadenizer: Still doesn't explain why I've gotten _no beer _yet.

Red XIII: But Cid...I must ask... Why did you bring us along?

Cid: Well, um... actually... (leans in and whispers to Red)

Cid: I was planning to use you two as living shields in case Shera got mad at what I did yesterday and started throwing heavy pointed objects at me. Like knives.

Red XIII: ...gee, thanks, friend.

Abadenizer: (twitching violently) Beer!

--

-


	11. Episode 011: The Showdown

****

**Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity  
  
**Episode #011  
  
_The Showdown_

Cloud is sleeping peacefully in the Costa de Sol villa, unaware of the impending doom creeping up on him.

Sephiroth: Ha ha! Cloud is so unaware of the impending doom that is creeping-- (trips on the leg of the living room table and falls on it, breaking through it) Ow.

Seph slowly stands up, dusting himself off and checking himself for splinters. After finding nothing, he waits silently, but hears nothing.

Sephiroth: Phew, no one woke up.

He tip-toes to Cloud's bedroom and quietly opens the door. The door opens without a creak, much to Seph's relief. Well, that is, until the last centimeter, in which the door lets out a creak as loud as the explosion of a ton of dynamite. The house shakes with the sound.

Sephiroth: Oh for the love of--!

But he looks over to the bed and sees that Cloud is _still _sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of the impending doom that is...

Sephiroth: Ok! Ok! Let's just get on with it!

Ahem. Fine.

Sephiroth creeps up on Cloud, slowly climbing onto his bed. He stands over Cloud.

Sephiroth: And now to wake him...!

Seph grabs Cloud by the shoulders and shakes him violently. He shakes him this way and that, hitting his head on the wall behind Cloud's bed a few times. After a full ten seconds, there is Cloud, still sleeping peacefully.

Sephiroth: What the...!

Seph picks up Cloud and throws him up. Cloud's body hits the ceiling then falls back to the bed. He hits the bed, which springs him back up to hit the ceiling again(springy bed, that is). He falls back to the bed, and would have flown to the roof one more time if it had not been for Seph grabbing him and laying him back down on the bed.

Sephiroth: Now then-- huh?!

Seph's mouth drops open. Cloud is _still_ sleeping.

Sephiroth: Jeez, this guy is one _heavy_ sleeper.

He rushes out of the room and comes back with a bucket of cold water. He pours the water on Cloud, but he doesn't wake up.

Sephiroth: Drat!

He rushes out of the room and dumps three more buckets on Cloud's face, but to no avail.

Sephiroth: Maybe the water isn't cold enough...

Seph runs out and comes back with another bucket. He turns it upside down and out falls a huge ice cube in the form of the bucket. It slams into Cloud's face, flattening his nose slightly.

Sephiroth: Hmm... Maybe _too_ cold.

Seph runs out of the villa and brings back several sticks of C4. He sets them up beside Cloud's head and detonates them once he's gotten far enough away. After an inspection, he sees Cloud burned to a blackened crisp, but still in peaceful slumber.

Sephrith: Grr...!!

Seph manages to get a jackhammer and starts tearing apart Cloud's bed with it, but even _that_ racket down not wake him up.

Sephiroth: Jeez!!

He runs out and comes back with a full-scale marching band, with every type of instrument you can imagine. They parade around Cloud's destroyed bed for half an hour before Sephiroth dismisses then.

Sephiroth: After that, it is _impossible _that he is still sleeping!

He looks towards the bundle of wooden splinters that was Cloud's bed. There in the middle, is the still form of Cloud, the only movement the slow rise and fall of his chest.

Sephiroth: It can't be!

Enraged, Seph jumps on top of Cloud, shaking him.

Sephiroth: I throw water on you, detonate explosives, completely destroy your bed, get a frickin' BAND in your room, and you dont. Wake. UP! HOW CLOUD?!

Just then, Cloud's eyes slowly open. He yawns and rubs his face, sleepy.

Cloud: Yawn... Did I hear someone call my name?

Sephiroth: ...

Cloud: (sees Sephiroth over him) Sephiroth! What are _you _doing here?

He was the impending doom that was--

Sephiroth: Hey, let _me _explain!

Go ahead, then.

Sephiroth: I'm here for our showdown!

Cloud: Showdown?

Sephiroth: You damn right! Don't you remember? That time when you and the Turks chipped off half my house (mumble mumble, and you guys said it was only a 'piece') I warned you! The next time we'd meet there would be a SHOWDOWN! I uh, didn't manage to find my Masamune, but I don't need it for the likes of YOU!

Cloud: No, sorry, I don't seem to recall that...

Sephiroth: Regardless! I'm here, so get up, and let's do it!

Cloud: Hey, hey, I'm not doing 'it' with you!

Sephiroth: No, damn it, I mean the showdown!

Cloud: What is it, like a talent show?

Sephiroth: NO!

Cloud: I wanna sing! 

Sephiroth: (slaps forehead) This is going to be tough...

Cloud: (singing) Help! You know I need somebody! Help! Not just anybody...

Half an hour later, after Seph explained what he meant by 'showdown', Cloud gave Seph back his Masamune and took his Buster sword. They walked to the front of the villa.

Sephiroth: Okay, now we need an impartial judge.

Judge: (pops out of nowhere, Medabots-style) And today's match is the ex-SOLDIER Cloud, ranked 1st in the country with 723 medals, versus the great Sephiroth, ranked 2nd with 709 medals!

Sephiroth: What medals?

Judge: I want a good, clean match, guys! Ready? Set? GO!

Sephiroth: Just... who the hell are you?

Judge: You said you needed a judge! Well, here I am!

Sephiroth: Um... sure, whatever. (turns to Cloud) Well? You ready?

Cloud: Yeah!

Seph charges at Cloud and swings his Masamune. Cloud goes to block, but his Buster sword slips out of his hands and Seph slices Cloud.

Cloud: Jeez, the sword is slippery. That oil is _still_ there?!

Sephiroth: What the...?

Cloud: What?

Sephiroth: I got you.

Cloud: Yeah, you did. You caused some damage, I think.

Sephiroth: But... I sliced you with my sword. Your insides are supposed to be gushing out right now. What gives?

Cloud: What? Heh, it doesn't work like that, Sephy! In battles, you can only get knocked out! You can take sword slices, bullets, explosions, and be alright after a Cure or two.

Sephiroth: But... I... Masamune... killed you... insides gushing... and...

Cloud: Now, in _cutscenes_, that's a different story. Getting hit in cutscenes really hurts. Bullets actually kill you.

Sephiroth: (grins evilly) Oh, _really_...

Cloud: Yeah.

Sephiroth: Well, technically, we're in a cutscene right now, aren't we? After all, we're talking...

Cloud: ...uh-oh.

Sephiroth: DIE!

Cloud: ARGH! (runs away)

Sephiroth: (chases)

Cloud comes to a dead end at the wall of the villa nearby(he doesn't think to run to the sides...). He turns around and sees Seph approaching.

Cloud: Wait, wait! I'm unarmed! How about we settle this in a peaceful manner?

Sephiroth: Peaceful? Why?

Cloud: It's more... peaceful.

Sephiroth: Well, like what?

Cloud: A talent show!

Sephiroth: No!

Cloud: Well, what then?

Judge: I think _I _can be of help here! I know of several different contests widely used for settling differences! How about a drawing contest? Fishing contest? Cooking contest?

Sephiroth: Wait, a cooking contest! I likes me the sound of that!

Cloud: You? Cooking?

Sephiroth: I bet I could beat _you_!

Judge: Cooking contest, it is, then!

(at the Costa de Sol villa's kitchen)

Judge: Ok, now let me explain. I'll give you a dish to cook, and you'll have five minutes to whip it all up. If one can't finish in that time then he loses. If both finish in time, I'll taste the two dishes and the best tasting one wins. Got it? Good! First dish, chocobo steak! BEGIN!

Sephiroth: Where the hell are we gonna get a chocobo?

Judge: The one that has to figure it out is you!

Cloud: (zips out the door)

Sephiroth: Hey! (follows Cloud)

(at the chocobo ranch)

Cloud and Sephiroth enter and look around at the chocobos.

Choco Bill: How can I help you?

Cloud runs to the nearest chocobo and grabs it. Sephiroth sees this and grabs it, getting in a tug-of-war match with the chocobo.

Cloud: Mine!

Sephiroth: No! Mine!

Cloud: Miiiiinneeeee!!

Choco Bill: Hey, hey! Don't do that with the chocobo!

Cloud finally gives up and runs to another chocobo, grabbing. But Seph grabs it to, and they tug it back-and-forth too.

Cloud: Let go!

Sephiroth: Nevar!!

Choco Bill: Boys, boys, there's enough chocobos for the both of ya here!

Cloud & Seph: ...

Cloud and Seph each grab a chocobo and run out the door.

Choco Bill: But hey, you have to pay!

(on the way back to Costa de Sol)

Cloud: (trips Sephiroth) Ha! I'm finishing first!

Sephiroth: Not if I can help it! (somehow appears ahead of Cloud and digs a large hole, covering it with leaves)

Cloud: What th-- (falls in hole) Ow!!

Sephiroth: Take that!

(back at the Costa de Sol villa)

Judge: (looking at watch) The five minutes are almost up...

Cloud & Sephiroth: (barge through the door)

They both start throwing around ingredients and plates, turning on the stove and the microwave(don't ask). Wheat falls on the floor, milk(!) is spilled, flour is scattered everywhere. Eventually, the chaos stops and Cloud and Sephiroth are each holding the same plate, with the live (confused) chocobo on it, covered in flour, wheat, milk, and several sauces.

Judge: (sweatdrops) Umm... Let's make this a tie. Next competition!

(at the beach in Costa de Sol)

Cloud & Seph: (sitting in a boat, each holding a fishing pole)

Judge: The fishing competition! Simple, really. I'll give you two ten minutes. The one who catches the biggest fish wins. If one of you falls into the water, you'll be disqualified. (after seeing Sephiroth's evil grin...) That is, because of the _fish_ throwing you over, pushing the other one over doesn't count.

Sephiroth: Bah.

Judge: Ready? BEGIN!

Cloud and Sephiroth cast their lines and... wait. And wait. And... wait.

Cloud: How much time has passed?

Judge: Three seconds.

Cloud: Just that?! It felt like an hour.

Sephiroth: Hey, I got one! (starts pulling hard) Urgh! Damn, this must be a huge one! (fights with the fish for over a minute) I almost got it!

Seph is finally able to pull his fish out of the water. He looks down at it. It's a three and a half inch gummy.

Cloud: (snicker)

Sephiroth: (angry) Well, for such a small fish it's frickin' strong!! (chucks fish back in the water)

Cloud: Whoa! Now I got one! It's a big one, I can feel it! (strains reeling the fish in, like Seph) Come on... come on... Just a little more... (makes one last big pull, and suddenly a huge form rises out of the water, causing waves that almost tips over the small fishing boat)

Mardan Garayan: (in a happy tone) Oh, what is this now? Someone trying to hook me?

Sephiroth: What the hell?! It's enormous!

Cloud: Hey, I caught a huge one! Does that mean I win?

Mardan Garayan: _Caught_ me? Pshaw! Talk to the fin! (waves huge multi-colored fin in Cloud's face) You'd never catch me! Har har har!

Sephiroth: Kind of jolly, he is...

Mardan Garayan: Wait a minute... (gasp) YOU SCREWED UP MY FIN-DO!

Sephiroth: Hairdo?

Mardan Garayan: FIN-DO! Now you must die! (with a single pull, sends Cloud flying miles into the sky) Hmph. (disappears under the water again)

Cloud: (flies up and up, then comes crashing down into the water)

Judge: And the winner, Sephiroth!

Sephiroth: I won! (sees one of Cloud's arms floating near the boat) Phew, thank _heaven_ I got the gummy and not the fashion fish.

(at the Costa de Sol villa's living room)

Judge: Alright, and now, time for the final test! Ready, Mr. Sephiroth?

Sephiroth: Yeah.

Judge: Ready, Mr. Cloud?

Cloud: Sure. (arm all stitched up)

Judge: Alrighty then. It is the drawing contest. I'll give you a blank piece of paper and a pencil each, and twenty minutes to come up with a drawing. You can cover as much or as little of the paper as you want, but at the end of twenty minutes, you must have some kind of completed drawing. The better drawing wins. Ready? (hands out papers and pencils) BEGIN!

Sephiroth: (immediately begins drawing)

Cloud: (rubs chin, trying to come up with ideas)

At the five-minute mark...

Sephiroth: (still drawing furiously)

Cloud: (still rubbing chin, trying to think of an idea)

At the ten-minute mark...

Sephiroth: (grinning as he draws)

Cloud: (eyes closed, meditating for inspiration)

At the fifteen-minute mark...

Sephiroth: (adding the finishing touches, polishing this and that, on his drawing)

Cloud: (finally lifts his pencil and positions his hand over the paper, slowly making a single five inch line down the center of the paper) (nods, satisfied with his masterpiece)

At the twenty-minute mark...

Sephiroth: (with tears in his eyes) I AM FINISHED! (holds up his finished drawing, a beautiful drawing of a chained angel with only one wing)

Cloud: (walking in, having gotten a cup of coffee after finishing his own 'drawing') Hey, Seph, let me se-- (trips, dropping the cup, spilling coffee all over Sephiroth's drawing) Oops.

Sephiroth: EEK!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE YOU FOOL!

Judge: (walking in after having gone to the bathroom during the twenty minutes) Time's up, time's up. Now, let me see those drawings. (looks at Cloud's drawing) Hmm... very unique, very symbolic... (looks at Sephiroth's drawing) What is this?! This isn't a drawing, it's a dirty coffee filter!

Sephiroth: But he... and tripped... and spilled...!

Judge: I can't consider that. You're disqualified. Point to Cloud.

Cloud: Hurrah!

Judge: Final score, tied, 1 to 1.

Cloud: Well, Sephy, there you have it. You wanted your showdown, you got it.

Sephiroth: Well, at least I didn't lose... (grins evilly) Well, we may have tied in the official scores, but I can still win... (draws Masamune and goes to hit Cloud)

Judge: Hey! It was agreed that the contests would be peaceful! No use of swords against the other participant! As penalty, one point to Cloud.

Cloud: Yay! 2-1 me!

Sephiroth: What?! You can't do that!

Judge: Today's winner... Cloud! (a crazed generic crowd runs in from outside and hoists Cloud up on their shoulders) (several bodyguards appear from somewhere and suppress the cursing Seph) 

Sephiroth: LET ME GO!

Crazed Generic Crowd: Hip hip hurray for Cloud!

Cloud: Wow, what a way to start the day!

--

-  


A/N: I'm thinking of looking over these episodes to read for errors... I haven't been doing that, so they must be there. And about this Episode... jeez, this is a record. Only three characters(Cloud, Seph, the Judge)! And just FYI, Episode 10 was the only episode so far that didn't feature Cloud at all.  



	12. Episode 012: A Gem, A Monkey, A Fat Lady

****

**Final Fantasy 7: Farcical Insanity**   
  
Episode #012  
  
_A Gem, A Monkey, A Fat Lady _

Cloud, Tifa, Barret and Reeve are in the living room of the Costa de Sol villa, watching the news.

TV: ...experts say that the ozone layer won't hold out at this rate, and in a few years, the global temperature could go up by several degrees. Although it'll be easier and more practical to have barbecues, the increase in temperature could contribute to a potent crispification of human skin, leading to several skin-related diseases...

Reeve: Crispification. (grabs a nearby dictionary) I bet you a million gil that word doesn't exist.

Cloud: What is... ozone layer?

Tifa: Beats me.

Barret: (beats Tifa)

  
Tifa: Ow!! Barret, I didn't mean it literally!

Barret: Oh sorry.

Tifa: (busted ribs and broken arm) No problem...

Cloud: Wait a minute... This seems strangely familiar...

Barret: What's that, foo'?

Cloud: I'm just having a bit of déjà vu.

Barret: Of what?

Cloud: I can't quite put my finger on it... I think I said something like, every time we get together in the living room something happens, and we go out on a mission, or something... And then...

Suddenly, a large blue portal thingy opens up over the living room table. Two small forms, and one huge form falls out of it, all crashing through and breaking the living room table.

Cloud: I remember now! It was that time when Serge and Kid came over!

Baret: ...

Tifa: Jeez, I've lost count of how many times our living room table has been broken.

The three forms on the ground stir. The first one to stand up is a weird man with a tail. Then a young girl, and finally, a huge hulking mass of a woman.

Monkey Man: Where are we?

Cloud: You're in... um... uh...

Reeve: Costa de Sol.

Cloud: Yeah, that's it!

Monkey Man: Don't recognize the name...

Young Girl: I told you going through that weird blue vortex wasn't a good idea...

Cloud: My name's Cloud. (pointing to the others) That's Barret, Tifa, and Reeve. So, who are you guys?

Monkey Man: I'm Zidane.

Big Fat Lady: My name is Brahne. (points to the young woman) And this is my daughter, Garnet.

Garnet: But you can call me Dagger if you like.

Cloud: Would you guys like anything to drink? How about you, Sword?

Garnet: It's Dagger. And no, thank you.

Cloud: How about something to eat, then, Claymore?

Garnet: The name's Dagger! And no, I'm not hungry.

Cloud: How about a drink then, Excalibur?

Garnet: It's DAGGER!!

Tifa: Cloud, you offered her a drink two times.

Cloud: Oh, my bad.

Garnet: Okay, forget Dagger. Just call me Garnet, then.

Cloud: Okay, Sapphire. Would you like something to eat, then, Emerald?

Reeve: (examines Zidane's tail) Is this real? (tugs it)

Zidane: (jumps) Whoa, hey, watch it!

Reeve: One more time! (tugs it again)

Zidane: Stop that!

Zidane: (whispering to Dagger) Let's get out of here. These people are crazy.

Brahne suddenly gets bug-eyed and her arms reach out to her sides as if to grab on to something.

Brahne: Snack... time!! (sits down on the couch, staring off into space in a trance-like state) Need... SNACK!!

Zidane: Oh no, not now.

Barret: The hell's wrong with her?!

Zidane: She gets like this from time to time. We need to feed her some snacks.

Barret: We ain't got snacks right now, I don't think. We're all out 'cause _someone_ (smacks Cloud) ate them all.

Cloud: (innocently) What? Once you pop, the fun don't stop!

Garnet: Can't we just take her and go home?

Zidane: The portal is all the way up there. We'd have to jump, and I don't think anyone here can lift this big fat tub of lard.

Garnet: Hey, this is my mom you're taking about!

Reeve: Are you guys married or something?

Zidane: (rolling eyes) No, but you'd think so, wouldn't you.

Garnet: What's _that_ supposed to mean?

Tifa: Um, guys? (points at Brahne)

They all look at Brahne, who is biting one of the cushions.

Brahne: (mouth full of cushion) MUSHT… HAFE… SHNACK!!

Reeve: I think we need to hurry up and get her something.

Just then, Aeris comes in from outside.

Aeris: Hey guys!

Barret: Aeris! Where you been, you foo'?

Aeris: I just went down to some stores to pick up snacks. Why?

Reeve: Alright! Saves us the trip!

Aeris: Huh?

Reeve: Oh, Aeris, this is Zidane, that's Garnet, and that's Brahne, Garnet's mom.

Zidane: Garnet's fat mother--

Garnet: Shut up!

Zidane: --went into "snack mode" again. We need to give her snacks for her to snap out of it. Then we can get back into the portal and return to our own world.

Aeris: Oh.

Zidane: So uh, give us some.

Aeris: Actually, they didn't have any at the store. They were all out.

Reeve: What?!

Aeris: Yeah. I tried several stores, in fact, and they were all out. (shrugs) Seems like someone ate all of Costa de Sol's snacks.

Barret: CLOUD?!

Cloud: What?! They were good!

Zidane: Aw, what are we gonna do now?

Aeris: I got some broccoli, though! Will that work?

Zidane: Are you kidding? If we feed her broccoli she'll go berserk and kill us all.

Cloud: Wait, guys, we can use Red's jetpack!

Tifa: Jetpack?

Cloud: Yeah? Remember? He made it around Christmas time, I think, and gave it to us because he thought it was too dangerous. (goes into his room) EURIKA!!

Barret: Eurika, he says...

Cloud: (comes back out into the living room, holding up the jetpack above him) I HAVE THE POWE... er, JETPACK!!

Barret: Hand this over heay, foo'! (takes jetpack)

Barret goes to put the jetpack onto Brahne, but she snarls at him, making him jump back in surprise.

Barret: Um, yeah, she don't bite, do she?

Zidane: Sometimes.

Barret: You try. (hands jetpack to Tifa)

Tifa: Nuh-uh. (hands to Reeve)

Reeve: No way. (hands to Cloud)

Cloud: Mmkay. (tries to strap the jetpack on Brahne, who promptly grabs him and eats him whole)

Barret: Holy crap!

Tifa: Cloud!!

Reeve: And she ate the jetpack, too. Now what?

Zidane: Well... I guess someone has to go in and retrieve it.

They all look around at each other.

Zidane: Um, Garnet, since you're her daughter, maybe you'll have more success than us.

Garnet: No, I think I'll just be going and--

Tifa: Please, Garnet! (kneels at her feet) Please save Cloud! (tears welling up)

Barret: (whispering) Oh come on, he won't be missed _that_ much.

Garnet: But...

Tifa: (hugs Garnet's ankles) PLEASE!!

Garnet: Ok ok! You're hurting my ankles!

Aeris: (mouth full of broccoli) Jusht for the record... (swallows) I would have pleaded for Cloud's safety too, but um... (stuffs more in mouth) I'm hungry...

Garnet slowly approached her mom, who is still munching on the cushions.

Garnet: Um... mom? I just wanted to know if, by any chance, you could return Cloud and--

Brahne suddenly grabs her and swallows her whole.

Zidane: Well, there she goes.

Reeve: I guess monsters like that are the reason people turn to yaoi.

Barret: You would know.

Reeve: Shut up!

(inside the large woman...)

Garnet: Ack! (tumbles down her mom's throat, finally landing on a soft, squishy surface and blacking out)

(several hours later)

Garnet: (comes to and looks around) Where am I? My mom's stomach? How long have I been asleep?

I just said several hours.

Garnet: Oh.

Garnet examines the ground, and sees a half-eaten cupcake with vanilla icing.

Garnet: Hey, that looks familiar...

She also spots, not too far away, a birthday cake with the words 'Happy Birthday' in pink icing written on it.

Garnet: Hey, that's my birthday cake! And she said the _cooks_ had lost it!

Garnet stands up and looks around, noticing a line of colorful decorated stands lining up the area.

Garnet: What the? Looks like a fair.

She heads to the stands. She sees several kinds; there are ones selling earrings, pens, shirts, drinks, and many more.

Garnet: There's a fair inside my mom's stomach.

??1: That one is also nice.

??2: Like better, this one, I do.

Garnet: Huh? Is that...?

She turns around and sees Zorn and Thorn looking at a hat stand.

Garnet: Zorn and Thorn!

Zorn: Is that Garnet?

Thorn: Garnet, is that?

Garnet: What are you guys doing here?

Zorn: Well, Her Majesty sort of got mad us...

Thorn: Swallow us whole, she did.

Garnet: And what's up with all of this? (gestures to the stands around her)

Zorn: Well, the people that the Queen swallowed over time decided to make this little fair, you know, to pass time and make some money.

Thorn: Zorn, look! Over there, shirts with the words 'Brahne's Stomach, Alexandria? Been There' written on them, there are!

Zorn: (gasp) We must get those! Excellent souvenirs!

Garnet: Wait! Have you two seen a spiky-haired blond fellow come through here?

Thorn: Fellow blond haired-spiky... hmm...

Zorn: Oh yes, he's two blocks over, causing quite a ruckus.

Thorn: Correct, that is! Knocking over stands with his hair, he is.

Zorn: Seems like he's in need of a good haircut.

Garnet: Ok, thanks.

She runs two blocks over to see a block filled with stands wrecked and some even on fire. There are people running all over screaming hysterically, and Cloud stands in the middle with the jetpack on, looking confused.

Garnet: Cloud!

Cloud: Oh, hey Topaz.

Garnet: Cloud, what in the world did you do to those stands?

Cloud: Nothing! I just touched one with my hair and they suddenly started spontaneously combusting.

Garnet: ...

Cloud: Really!

Garnet: Well, anyway, look, we need to get out of here. We've got to get back to our world. And the only way to do that is with the jetpack.

Cloud: How?

Garnet: We need to get out by flying back out through the mouth with the jetpack.

Cloud: Oh yeah, there's _that_ way to get out of here, too. (sighs in relief) But... this thing is only built to fit one person.

They look at each other.

Cloud: You take it, Garnet.

Garnet: No, I couldn't do that...

Cloud: Okay then!! (turns switch on and starts flying towards the mouth)

Garnet: Hey!! That's not what you're supposed to say!

Cloud: What? I can't hear you! The jet's too loud!

(back outside)

Barret: They sure are taking they time, those foo's...

Just then, Cloud comes flying out of Brahne's mouth. However, he doesn't stop, and crashes head first into the ceiling, falling to the ground afterwards. This effectively wakes up everyone that was sleeping from waiting so long.

Cloud: Ouchies.

Tifa: Cloud!! (hugs him)

Zidane: Hey, you got the jetpack.

Reeve: Yeah, but how are we going to put it on? We still don't have any snacks!

Aeris: (mouth full) Brocori anyone?

Reeve: You're still eating those? You sure bought a lot, geez...

Cloud sits up on the ground, taking off the jetpack.

Cloud: So, now what?

Brahne, after having finished her second cushion, removes the third, and to everyone's surprise, there is a half-eaten potato chip under it.

Cloud: Hey! I was wondering where that thing went!

Brahne: SNACK!! (grabs the potato chip and swallows it) (eyes slowly return to normal) Phew, that's better.

Zidane: She's back to normal.

Tifa: Phew.

Zidane: Well, I guess it's time to leave. Thanks for the help guys, as useless as might have been.

Barret: No problem, foo'.

Everyone Else: You're welcome.

Zidane: Well, let's go Brahne. We need to be getting back.

Brahne: Yeah, it's almost dinner time.

The two jump up to the blue portal thingy and disappear, along with the portal.

Tifa: Well, that sure was strange.

Cloud: I guess we didn't need the jetpack after all.

Reeve: Wait a minute, wasn't there three of them?

Barret: Yeah. Cloud, what happened to Garnet?

Cloud: Oh, she stayed in her mom's stomach.

Tifa: She did? But, if you took the jetpack then...

Reeve: ...how is she going to get out?

Cloud: Well... You don't want to know.

--

-


End file.
